Overcoming Selfish Selflessness

So, having got through the end of university; spent 9 weeks in America teaching and living with kids; and moved to London to start my new job, I've finally been able to once again put pen to paper (or fingers to screen as the case is). As I said when I started this blog, though these posts come from a Christian perspective I hope they will be interesting and maybe inspiring to those on all levels of the spiritual spectrum.

The primary command of Jesus to us as disciples is to love God and love our neighbours as ourselves (Mark 12:30-31). This is our mission as Christians! It should be our main purpose in life, and the one thing that comes above all others. Most Christians know this and, at least based on the ones I know, I would say most Christians want to be able to sincerely live this out. We all dream of how much better our homes, communities, cities, and nations would be if we as Christians truly loved others as ourselves. So what stops us?

This is obviously a massive topic so I'll only be looking at one aspect of it in this post. I must also say now as a kind of disclaimer, I'm definitely approaching this as a pilgrim on a journey and not by any means as an authority on the topic but I hope my few musings will prove useful to some at least.

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." - Ezekiel 36:26

This verse in Ezekiel relates to God's promise of internal transformation for all those who have become part of the new covenant by accepting Jesus as their Lord and saviour. I made this decision just over two years ago and I know in my life at least this resulted in a significant change in my capacity to truly love and care for people, something I felt I used to struggle with beyond a few close friends. God has taken me on an incredible journey since then but one thing that has surprised me is that despite having an increased awareness and compassion for other people, I have still struggled with actually showing it. 

I can't even count the times I have seen a situation and known the right or good thing to do but haven't done it. Whether that's helping someone in need or simply doing something nice to give someone a boost I have often ended up backing out. One example that sticks out in my mind occurred on my placement year at Nomura.

As I was getting a cup of tea in the office one morning one of my colleagues came in and as part of the general morning chat mentioned he was really tired that morning. Because of this I went to the canteen and bought him a fruit smoothie to help kickstart his day. As soon as I bought it I started imagining an array of scenarios which might have caused him to reject the drink which started to cause me anxiety. Some of my thoughts included, "what if he doesn't like this type of smoothie" and "what if he thinks it's weird that I've bought him this". Then the get out plans started to come "if I don't give it to him he won't think any less of me because he doesn't know I got it...maybe I just shouldn't risk it". Probably 20 minutes later I was still sat at my desk, now heart pounding at the very thought of walking over and giving a colleague a smoothie! Talk about irrational. Eventually I plucked up the courage to do it. I walked over, put the drink on his desk and said I hoped it would help give him a boost and then scarpered off barely giving him time to even say thanks.

Even whilst this was happening I knew it was completely irrational, yet at the time I just couldn't shake that anxiety and fear of rejection over a simple kind act. But why?!

I would argue (mostly out of personal experiences like above) that the primary barrier to giving ourselves fully to those around us is fear. Somewhat ironically we become self-conscious about being selfless (which by definition should be thinking of ourselves less). It comes from the fear of rejection, whether by the person we lovingly offer ourselves to, or from our friends, or from others looking on. We, as humans, are primarily social creatures and one of our strongest desires is to be accepted and liked. And it's often this, alongside our completely irrational assessments of the likely outcome of events (e.g. thinking we'll be rejected for doing something nice), which leads us to be self-conscious about being selfless.

From youth we learn to put barriers up. We start off innocent, loving, and trusting, but through an accumulation of hurts and deceptions we begin to close our hearts off so we don't get hurt again. At the time this often seems like a source of strength and independence, I know for me it has felt this way following relationship break-ups and significant life changes. The problem however was also the solution...independence. I had learned not to trust people unless I had very high grounds for doing so. This has certainly protected me from getting hurt over the last few years but as I look back and reflect I can also see how it has hindered me from going deeper in my friendships and truly living life.

As much as our western world tells us independence is good it is not what God meant for us. Humans are made to be in relationship, both with God and with each other and I believe that if we lack in either one of these we suffer. As soon as God made Adam He declared, "It is not good for man to be alone" (Genesis 2:18). However, we do live in a broken world full of broken people and that inevitably leads to broken interactions and relationships. It is easy to see why this world says independence is the way to go because if our main goal in life was to minimise our chance of getting hurt then it would be! But it seems to me that would be like playing 11 men on the goal line in a football match. You might minimise your chances of conceding a goal but you'll also never feel the elation that comes with scoring one!

To put this into plain language, if we never trust others we will surely minimise our chances of rejection but we will also minimise our chances of experiencing the joy that comes with acceptance and deep relationships. More than that we are also depriving others around us of the love and joy we might be able to offer them. Whether it is introducing ourselves to a neighbour we don't know yet, buying a gift for a friend, or giving food to a homeless person, all of them involve a risk of rejection and embarrassment but they also involve the chance of joy and relationship.

When speaking of our future hope in Jesus Christ of life after death, Paul quotes Hosea by saying, "O death, where is your sting?" (1 Corinthians 15:55). In this Paul is not saying death is eliminated, but rather the 'sting' of death, eternal separation from God, no longer holds its power. If we put our trust and identity in God this is how we can also view rejection. We can't stop it from happening but we can realise that rejection from men doesn't matter when we have acceptance from a God who loves us deeply. 

God doesn't want us to live safe, quiet, lonely lives where we never get hurt but also never truly live. He wants us to build relationships and live with a wild and passionate love that leads us to freely give ourselves to those around us in full vulnerability. Yes we live in a broken world full of broken people and because of that there will always be a risk of rejection but is that risk not worth it both of our sake and theirs. Why should we forgo the 9 kind acts that are greatly received for the sake of 1 that might be misinterpreted and cause rejection?

The heart of flesh God intends us to live with is not soft as some might consider it. Yes it is tender; able to empathise with and feel compassion for others but it is certainly not weak under attack or in the face of adversity. We only have to look at the life of Jesus to see how someone can live a life of honesty, vulnerability, and integrity whilst at the same time being strong through his identity in God to oppose evil and stand up for good even in the face of great oppression and ultimately to the point of death.

As I said earlier I know most Christians, including myself, have the desire to live with a reckless and audacious love like Christ. One that is willing to break cultural norms and boundaries in order to put the needs of others first. But in order to do this we have to stay rooted in God for our identities so we can confidently offer ourselves in vulnerability at the risk of being cheated, used, and rejected. The only way others will start to let down their stone walls, their defence mechanisms, is if they see us coming to them time and again in loving vulnerability.

As stated earlier, this can be as simple as taking the initiative to introduce yourself to colleagues at work, or your neighbours. Even if you've worked and lived their for years, there is no time like the present! Put out your hand and say hello. Offer to help them with something. Let yourself be in a position of possible rejection and if you are turned down then try again later! Start getting creative with how you love and care for people! This is an exciting journey that ultimately brings far more life and happiness than it ever will rejection and sadness, and not just for you, but for all those around you. Your current relationships will strengthen and you will build many new ones, and in the process turn more hearts of stone into hearts of flesh which will one by one transform our homes, communities, cities, and nations.

It has been important to me to remember to take every moment as it comes. Every time you are faced with the opportunity to build someone up, or stand up and defend them, or simply extend a hand of friendship, then do it! No matter how much anxiety or inadequacy you may feel, offer what you have no matter how insignificant it seems to you. I know that seems far easier said than done but I promise you it is possible! Pray every morning before leaving the house, root yourself and your identity in God and build a proper perspective on life before going out and living it.

A couple of years ago God really started putting homeless people on my heart as is somewhat evidenced in my first post on this blog (A Call to Small Arms). In that post I spoke of the significance of small acts even in the face of great needs, but even then I struggled to live it out. Recently, however, as God has been challenging me to stop thinking of how others might perceive me and start focusing on how I can make others feel, all of this has begun to click into place.

The last couple of weeks I have been making two extra sandwiches to take into work so that I can give them to homeless people. I made sure to hold them in my hand rather than put them in my backpack so it would be as easy as possible to go through with it. And through this process I have started to get to know Gary and Matt who both live on the streets near my work. Each time I go past I stop and chat with them and give them a sandwich. Also having helped Matt pay for a few nights at a local hostel he has now been given a full time place with access to benefits and the chance to start looking for work. All within the space of two weeks my decision to live with a heart of flesh as God intended and seek situations where I can be vulnerable for the sake of others has already helped one life change significantly.

I offer this story not to try and make myself seem good but as a testimony to the fact that when you stop being self-conscious about being selfless and start offering yourself to others freely your life and the lives of those around you will begin to change for the better. And I have found that pushing myself out of my comfort zone in this case has quickly done two things. Firstly, it has widened my comfort zone with regards to stopping and talking to homeless people. Secondly, it has significantly boosted my confidence to offer myself more to other people in other ways.

I'm still very much on a journey with this and certainly don't mean to sound like a saint who's got it all down. Anyone in my life right now would be able to confirm that is certainly not the case. But I have seen real change recently and am excited to go deeper on this journey of selflessness, pushing myself ever more out of my comfort zone for the sake of helping and loving the people around me.

Let's start to shift the culture around us and break the norms that tell us we can't offer friendship to certain outsiders, or we can't introduce ourselves to the neighbours we have lived next to for 5 years, or the work colleagues we have never really known the names of. Most of the people on this planet want to be accepted and loved and they won't reject an offer of friendship and help. No matter how long overdue that invitation may seem. When it comes to loving people actively look for and pray about chances to be vulnerable and open to rejection! Get creative about it! And if you are rejected or shunned in some way, take root in God and pride in the fact you tried and then try again!

We have to stop associating rejection with failure and start seeing it simply as a sign of a loving act daringly tried. Can we get to a place where we think of our image so little and think of others so much that we don't fear rejection? This is my goal; this is where my pilgrimage is headed and I will surely stumble and fall at times, but surely the cause and reason of the quest is worth such risks. As Teddy Roosevelt famously said:

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."

Anyway, that's my rambling over for now. I hope you found something in this interesting at least. If anyone wants to chat more about this or anything else relating to your life, my life, or God then feel free! Remember, it's all about being vulnerable and taking risks right! And I'd like to think I'm a pretty open and accepting guy.

Also it's great to encourage each other in things like this so if you do decide to start pushing yourself out of your comfort zone more then let me know how it goes! I'd love to hear about the journeys other people are going on and share mine with them. Talk to your friends about it, challenge each other to step out and hold each other accountable, it will seem alien and risky at first but at the end of your life I'm sure you will only look back and wish you had gone even further, realising the joy, love, and life that comes with such acts.

It seems to have been a custom of mine to put a song at the end of these posts so here's one that has definitely inspired me to think about this topic at times. Why not give it a listen - Matthew West - My Own Little World

I'll Have What She's Having

So post number 3 is finally here and I have to say it’s come a lot sooner than I was expecting! Now into the last 10 weeks of my degree the work is certainly piling up making these extra-curricular activities increasingly difficult! However, I managed to find myself with a free evening last night and stumbled across a post I began writing a few weeks ago on ‘happiness’. At the time I had gotten stuck but after finishing Scot McKnight’s book ‘The Blue Parakeet’ I felt I could finally finish it.

When I talk about happiness in this post I’m not concerned with fleeting moments of elation but rather long term satisfaction with life. When studies are showing that we are the most addicted, medicated, and depressed society in human history (Brown, 2010) questions need to be asked. As with everything on this blog this post comes from my own personal story and struggles. I have been on an incredible journey towards true happiness the last couple of years and though I have not reached the end I am most definitely enjoying the ride!

For the sake of length I could only really brush the surface of this topic. So if anyone wants to talk further about it just let me know as it’s one that really interests me! Whether or not you agree with the solution I propose for ultimate satisfaction I hope at least that some of my musings and questions will provide you with a basis to go on a journey of your own, ultimately leading to a more fulfilled and satisfying life!

"For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"The most important thing is to enjoy your life - to be happy - it's all that matters." - Audrey Hepburn

Happiness. Where does it come from? How do we get it? How do we keep it?

Are these not questions all humans consider almost every day, if not consciously then at least subconsciously. Every time we go shopping we are choosing which item will make us most happy. For some that will be the most expensive, flashy item there, for another it may be a cheaper alternative that will allow them to save money. Either way, both are considering some form of happiness, or at least satisfaction.

Ethical theorists such as Jeremy Bentham (1748-1832) saw happiness as the only thing desirable as an end in itself. All the other things we seek – fame, fortune, sanctity, serenity, knowledge, power, love, friendship or whatever – are of value only in so far as they are conducive to happiness. But in our materialistic, capitalist society I guess the question is how conducive are these, or other, things to happiness?

We all know the phrase ‘money can’t buy you happiness’. Yet people still seem to try don’t they? We still go out and buy the latest phone, laptop, TV, car, clothes etc. and unless you are super-human you will get some sort of happiness in this. So surely money can buy happiness? Well in a word, yes. But that happiness is only temporary, it is fleeting like a packet of chocolate fingers, no sooner has it been started before it’s finished…you know it’s true.

Professor Andrew Oswald from the University of Warwick wrote an interesting article in 2006 called Shiny Happy People in which he looked at modern research into happiness and he highlighted some insightful, yet common sense truths about human happiness. In this post I am going to expand on these and try and show God’s view on how we can attain true lasting happiness.

Money can’t buy you happiness

The first pieces of research Andrew mentions in his article show that despite the UK and US being considerably richer nations now than even 40 years ago:

1. Psychological well-being and satisfaction have either stayed the same or dropped in comparison to their (poorer) parents.

2. Rates of depression have increased in countries like the UK.

3. Measured levels of stress have increased.

4. In the US even though real income levels have risen 6-fold, the per-capita suicide rate is the same as in the year 1900.

But why should this be the case? Our generation seems to have many reasons to be happier than those in bygone eras; less poverty, better health care, more affordable and accessible entertainment options, increased ability to travel and see the world, and the list goes on. Despite the research saying happiness hasn’t improved I think most of us would say we would rather live in our day and age than a century ago right? So why aren’t we happier than they were?

Well interestingly Andrew identified three factors that came up in several pieces of research that could explain this phenomenon.

1. Comparison

The research showed that “humans are creatures of comparison and that happiness levels depend inversely on the earnings levels of a person’s neighbours. Prosperity next door makes you dissatisfied. It is relative income that matters: when everyone in a society gets wealthier, average wellbeing stays the same.”

We’re all experts in this. One day you’re perfectly happy with your iPhone 4s and then BOOM! The iPhone 5 comes out and all your friends start getting it. Suddenly your phone just doesn’t cut it for you anymore. But why? You can still do everything you did yesterday, all that has changed is that other people can do different things.

2. Habituation

So what, you might be thinking. This doesn’t show that material possessions can’t buy happiness, it simply shows you have to be the wealthiest person you know!

On its own this may be true, but the research found another reason for our happiness flat-lining; ‘habituation’. Experiences wear off. Some research has shown that there is “close to complete adaptation to rises in income. Such hedonic flexibility works also downwards. Those who become disabled recover 80% of their happiness by three years after the incident.”

Again, we’re all experts in this. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve wanted something so badly it seemed to hurt, only to be bored of it (or at least normalised to it) days after getting it. Similarly there are things I have given up in my life that used to give me pleasure and happiness which I have no desire for now (e.g. sugar in my cup of tea!).

3. Poor judgement

Finally, and quite simply, the researchers found that “human beings are quite bad at forecasting what will make them happy. Quite systematically, in laboratory settings, people choose the wrong things for themselves.”

Again I am absolutely guilty of this, I only have to think back to that second slice of cheesecake I had the other day…

What we must notice about this research and the happiness debate is that no-one would deny money can buy temporary pleasure. But this is not what the research or this blog post is concerned with. I care more about the type of satisfaction that mean you are happy with life as a whole.


The hope for a lasting satisfaction

As a Christian I look to two main conversations Jesus had during his time on earth:

“The bread of God is that which comes down out of heaven, and gives life to the world.” Then they said to Him, “Lord, always give us this bread.” Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; he who comes to Me will not hunger, and he who believes in Me will never thirst.” (John 6:33-35)

“Jesus answered and said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will thirst again; but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.” The woman said to Him, “Sir, give me this water, so I will not be thirsty nor come all the way here to draw.” (John 4:13-15)

In both of these encounters Jesus is essentially asked ‘how can I be satisfied?’ Is that not ultimately what we are all looking for? Would it not be great to be immune from the ‘comparison’ syndrome which leads to dissatisfaction only to find that when we quench that thirst we become ‘habituated’ leading to the cycle starting again?

John D. Rockefeller, one of the richest men of all time, summed it up perfectly when he was once asked, "How much money is enough money?"  And he replied, "Just a little bit more."

The material things of this world can’t satisfy us! Not really, not deep down, not for the rest of our lives. They will always let us down, they will never be enough, we will always be searching thinking the next thing we get is going to be the one that changes everything, the next pay-rise will mean we are finally satisfied. But it won’t. And we all know it.

And it’s not just material possessions, for many people their crux is relationships. They compare, and become habituated, and make poor decisions with regards to friends and partners always thinking “the next one will make me happy”, or “if only I could be with them I would be truly happy”. But we only have to look at divorce rates to know how that’s going.

For me it is perfectionism. I am a ‘recovering perfectionist’, so my downfall may not have been so much things I had but more things I did. For example, I could get 80% in a module and be really happy, until I heard that a friend got 85%! And as the research above shows it’s those closest to us we compare ourselves with, those we should love most seem to be the ones we most want to get ‘one up’ on. We all know this is broken and twisted, but most of us don’t know how to overcome it.

Just for clarity here I want to make sure you know I'm not saying I think any of these 'things' are bad, they are neutral in and of themselves. Material possessions, good grades, relationships, these can all be amazing and are certainly the means by which a lot of happiness is created, however, I believe most of us have an unhealthy relationship with them which needs to be fixed if we're going to really flourish.

What is the answer? I am

“I am the bread of life; he who comes to Me will not hunger, and he who believes in Me will never thirst.”

“Everyone who drinks of this water will thirst again; but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.”

Jesus says he is the answer! Only in him can true satisfaction be found, one that is ‘right’ for everyone, one that cannot be compared, and ultimately one that is dynamic leaving no room for habituation. Why is this? Because he is the way to the Father! “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me.” (John 14:6)

It is in God we find our ultimate satisfaction because He gives us a love that will never fail:

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:37-39)

And we don’t earn His love, He gives it freely to those who believe in His son Jesus and what He did on the cross, taking the punishment we deserve and giving us the life He earned.

“But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ…. For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.” (Ephesians 2:4-9)

There is so much freedom in the message God gives the world! He gives us the one thing that can never be taken away, His love, and gives it to us all freely and equally though NONE of us deserve it so that no-one may boast (compare).

It was only as I got to know God and he began repairing me that I came to see that my perfectionism and all the anxiety that came with it had just been a misguided search for love, acceptance, and worth. There was an extreme brokenness both within myself and in my relationships with others that kept me from true happiness, which is not rooted in material goods, relationships, or experiences, but in a love freely given. It was something I couldn’t earn or strive for, it had nothing to do with my performance and in fact came in spite of the things I’ve done that should disqualify me from it. Realising I could just rest and accept this love made all the difference, I was finally satisfied, I could go and do or be anything I wanted knowing that ultimately whether I failed or succeeded I was valued and loved. This changed everything.



Satisfaction lies in oneness

As Scot McKnight astutely observes in his excellent book ‘The Blue Parakeet’ we were made for a ‘fourfold relationship of oneness’. This involves oneness with God, with self, with one another, and with the world. This is what Adam and Eve had before the fall, but then ‘oneness’ became ‘otherness’, with God, with self, with one another, and with the world. This is where the problem lies.

Scot goes on to say, “If reading the Bible as Story teaches us one thing, it teaches us that it is the ‘otherness with others’ that most concerns God. Otherness of the self and God is the assumption, but otherness with others is the focus.”

What Jesus did for the world was allow us a way to start creating that oneness again! Firstly with God and ourselves and this should then outwork itself into oneness with others and the world. True long-term happiness and satisfaction resides in this message. When we are one with God and ourselves we do not lack! We have the bread of life that forever quenches our hunger and the water that springs from within us that forever quenches our thirst. Our eyes are opened to what life is all about…relationship! The importance and desire of accumulating material possessions for our self slips away as we look into the broken ‘otherness’ of this world and see what we can give rather than what we can receive.

This is the call of all Christians, to bring the world back to God and to create community, relationship and oneness with all people. I give a warning here though. I said it would satisfy you and give you a deep happiness that no-one can take away, but it will also be hard! In a world with so much broken ‘otherness’ going on don’t expect to always receive back what you give. It can take hours, days, even years to repair a heart that has been ravaged by ‘otherness’ throughout its life, and you may even be persecuted for it, but never give up! Root yourself in the love God has for you and in community with others on this journey and you will never be left short.


So I say to you, fight the good fight fellow warriors, always leaving a trail of ‘oneness’ in your wake! The battle will be tough but “take up the full armour of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” (Ephesians 6:13-17)

Always have in your mind the day when God will restore this world to oneness, when “the wolf will lie down with the lamb, and the leopard will lie down with the young goat, and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together” (Isaiah 11:6). But until that time we MUST dream this dream, making God’s desires our own and trusting Him for the power to fulfill it. Only in making this dream the desire of our heart, and thus becoming freed from ourselves can we attain true happiness and satisfaction.

Love: The Final Frontier

So exams are over, interviews are done and I’ve finally found some time to get back to writing. I have made notes on several topics over the last few weeks as thoughts have run through my head. However, there is one that has stood above all of these. It is something that I have been thinking about for a long time now but haven’t known where to start. It is almost certainly the hardest topic I will ever write on and as you read this I hope you appreciate there is a lot I had to leave out otherwise it would have become a book!

The topic in question is ‘love’. As a Christian we are told to love God and love our neighbours (everyone) as ourselves. We are even told to love our enemies. I started thinking about this deeply last year and found that I didn't have a conception of love that I could apply to 'everyone'. Trying to understand and develop this has taken me on the most incredible journey which is by no means finished. This is clearly a massive subject and I have considered, learned about, prayed about and experienced love in many contexts over this past year. In this post I am going to focus on love in relation to one particular theme which stemmed from my musings on ‘how do I love those who I don’t love’. To put that another way, how do I love those I am not naturally drawn towards or am even repulsed by?

What I have found is that the principles required to do that apply across any healthy relationship and in that context you will probably find a certain universality about what I have written, indeed the challenge has been to find a form of 'love' we can apply to everyone (our neighbours). However, I do leave out many of the nuances associated with romantic love and to some extent close friends and family. For example, I talk very much at the ‘need’ level rather than the excessive side of love that will please someone when they weren’t necessarily in ‘need’. There are also many other areas to consider which I may get to writing about one day, but I hope you will find my musings on this small area interesting nonetheless.

"Love can be hard. Love requires you to be kind when you are angry, patient when you feel anxious, compassionate when you judge others, caring when you feel apathetic, trust when you've been wronged, let go when you want to hold on, know that the other person is you, take risks when you're scared, to always see the lesson and never look back once you've decided." - Jackson Kiddard

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

"Love is the only thing that can turn an enemy into a friend." - Martin Luther King 

Possibly the most important concept in all creation is love. God is love and the two great commandments He set that fulfil all other laws are to love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, and soul and to love your neighbour as yourself (Matthew 22:37-39). This seems like a simple concept. If we simply love one another then we won’t harm each other and the world would be a much better place, right? As we all know love is just not that simple, in reality love has often been used as the basis for all kinds of wrongs from tiny lies to great atrocities. For example, in relation to current world issues, terrorism and Islamic extremism is often conducted from a place of love, also domestic violence is often said to be an outworking of a deep love for someone.

The problem is that love in itself was never meant to be an end goal! God must always ultimately be our end goal if we want to truly love those around us for God is love but love is not God and if it is made to be so it will become corrupted. In my quest to draw closer to God and to improve my relationships with those around me I really started considering what it means to love in the biblical sense. Jesus said:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbour and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” (Matthew 5:43-48).

In my life I have always had a small group of strong friends consisting of no more than about 5 people in any life stage; I have then had lots of looser friends and finally acquaintances. This friendship structure suited me as I grew up. When I have a good friend I like to invest all of myself in them. This promotes having a few strong friendships; however it meant that my love couldn’t really extend beyond these people. Sure I was generally nice to others outside of this group but I felt that I had a limited pool of love to give and once it was expended then I had no reserves to draw from.

As my relationship with Jesus grew I saw his ability to love everyone. I couldn’t understand how he had the emotional energy to do this. I think this was partly due to my slightly introverted nature growing up where I really enjoyed social interaction but mostly in small groups. However, over time I have come to understand two important facts about ‘biblical love’ that have changed my life.

Firstly, love doesn’t start and end with me. When you believe in a God who is love and who first loved us you start to see love as more of a flow rather than a stock concept. We were built to run and function on the love from God and then pass it on, both back to Him and, out to our ‘neighbours’. If we receive love but stockpile it rather than letting it flow we can become self-obsessed, conceited and greedy, we think the whole world revolves around us and ultimately this can lead to loneliness and depression as we become isolated from real relationships. Alternatively if we give love out but don’t draw it from the constant eternal source of God we will soon run dry and burn ourselves out often leading to anxiety and stress related issues.

Secondly, love does not have to have a strong emotional attachment connected with it. In the media we typically see ‘love’ depicted as a deep romantic relationship between two people, or possibly the close bond of family and friends. There is nearly always an emotional element involved. This was one of my biggest problems when it came to understanding how I was to not only love my family and close friends, but everyone including those people who don’t like me or have wronged me in some way! I knew I didn’t have the emotional energy to undertake such a task, it seemed impossible. But over time God has filled me with His love and helped me understand the concept of ‘biblical love’.

The best description I have heard of biblical love is this:

“To do what is best for others.”

This is essentially the fulfilling of the great commandment ‘love your neighbour as yourself’ and it has become somewhat of a mantra of mine over the last year as I have strived to discover what it takes to effect this in my life. This is again a simple concept in theory, but in practice this is the hardest thing that has ever been asked of man and something that no man has done perfectly apart from Jesus.


Why is this so difficult to achieve?

Well firstly there is the obvious point that we often have negative feelings towards people which hinders our ability to ‘want’ what is best for them. Imagine for example that you have just seen someone hit a young child, how are you supposed to love such a person in that situation? This is where forgiveness and grace becomes a major factor in the Christian life as to truly do what is best for someone we must first be thinking with a clear head and a clear heart.

Now what I am not saying is that you should simply ‘forget’ what that person has just done. If it was a purposeful act and they are still a possible danger to the child or others then something needs to be done. What I am saying, however, is that if you approach the situation from a place of hate you will likely not do the ‘best thing’ for that person which ultimately would be something that could help them deal with their anger issues and possible emotional scars and insecurities of their own. You must remember they are still precious creatures made in the image of God whom he loves and grieves over due to their lost state. If you start to see their repulsive actions as those of a wayward child rather than a monster you are more likely do what is best for them. In some cases this may be to offer grace, in others it may be prison and counselling that help them most. Another general motto I hold on to in times like this is ‘love the sinner, hate the sin’ as I feel this helps me to separate the two and think more clearly.

Humans are hard wired to want justice, if someone has committed a wrong then we want recompense, and only once that has been paid would most of us even consider forgiveness. However, the Christian has another model to live by, for God, when we were still sinners with a debt to pay, sent His son Jesus to die for us to pay our penalty (Romans 5:6-11). Though we were considered ‘enemies’ of God due to the sinful acts we have all committed His love was sufficient to look past that and send His most precious gift to die the death that we deserved. This is the model we are to live by.

So based on this, the second major reason why it is so difficult to ‘do’ what is best for others is that we simply may not ‘know’ what is best. In order to do this fully we would really need to know them and their situation in detail and be fully aware of God’s intentions for their life. As much as God can give us such knowledge at times it is often the case that we are acting on limited information. God gives us the fuel from which to love and ‘want’ what is best for others but to ‘know’ what that is requires a much deeper understanding of God and His word. Only with the wisdom of God can we act in a fully loving manner:

“But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.” (James 3:17)

The final reason it can be hard to truly ‘do what is best for others’ is that we may not have the resources. Sometimes, for example, we may want what is best and we may know what is best but we simply don’t have the resources to provide that. It may be that they need some money to get them out of debt but you don’t have it to spare, or they may need advice on a problem at work but you don’t understand it.

How should we overcome these issues?

This is by no means a comprehensive list but rather just a few basic ideas on how I have learned to tackle some of the above issues.

Wanting to do what is best

God emphasises throughout the Bible that He looks to the heart behind an act before the act itself (1 Samuel 16:7). Paul said to the Corinthians, “If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship, but do not have love, I gain nothing” (1 Corinthians 13:3). This is the building block of living a Christian life and if there are any people reading this who feel they struggle simply with the desire to love then my only suggestion would be to spend more time with God, for it is through Him we are transformed into a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17) and through His Spirit we attain “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23).

Having the resources to do what is best

It is inevitable that times will occur when we want to help someone, and know how to help them but we simply don’t have the resources available to do it. There are a few things to consider here. Firstly, we should pray into the situation, asking God to provide the resources somehow if this is His will. Secondly, we should try to discern whether this really is their need or whether there is something deeper that needs addressing first. It’s often easy to see and meet the surface level needs of people but discerning deeper needs is far more difficult. One of the greatest examples of looking beneath the surface of a person’s situation was surely Jesus’ encounter with the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4:7-26). Of course Jesus had divine help here but firstly we can have that also, and secondly it need not be that complicated. It may be as simple as recognising that a hospital patient doesn’t just need treatment for their illness or injury but quite possibly emotional support and comfort. Whilst most of us couldn’t provide the former we could do the latter.

It ultimately comes down to giving what we can and thinking outside the box. Peter and John provided a beautiful example of this when they met a lame man asking for money at the gate of the temple. Peter said to this man, “Silver and gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk” (Acts 3:6). In many situations when people ask for a handout, you would actually be loving them far more by simply giving them a hand. For example, if you give a neighbour’s child a lift to college each day that is good and serves their immediate need. If you help them learn how to drive and help them find a job to pay for a car then that is meeting far more needs than simply the travel to school.

Knowing how to do what is best

I feel Christians generally struggle more with ‘how’ to love than with a lack of ‘desire’ or even ‘resources’ to love. And is this not the purpose of discipleship, to learn how love and live like Christ did? God will transform our hearts when we believe in Him, but to become true disciples we must learn and follow His teachings and only through this will we truly be able to live in all He has planned for us. We must play our part in this process, taking advantage of the equipping given us by God. This would be much like a mechanic (God) putting a new engine (heart) into a car and then providing the owner (you) with a detailed instruction manual (The Bible) of how to use it to maximise its performance. If we don’t read or follow the instruction manual then we won’t take advantage of all the benefits and will likely be limiting its performance.

So how do we attain this wisdom? How do we come to understand exactly what God wants to happen in a situation, what is truly best for that person or group of people? There really is no simple answer to this as every situation is different and requires its own judgement. It may seem that in order to do what is best for one person we must not do what is best for, or even hurt, another. There are many moral and ethical questions raised in this area and quite frankly it can seem an overwhelming burden at times. What we must remember is that God does not expect us to always get things right, but if we go out with the right heart and the desire to understand God’s will in all situations then we will be in for one amazing ride experiencing God’s love and grace time and again! With that said I will mention a few basic tips in how to come to develop this wisdom.

Firstly, we must immerse ourselves in God and His word. A fundamental belief for all Christians must be that God’s desires are ultimately what is best in all situations. We must therefore be hungry for understanding, crying out to God for guidance and wisdom in all things. God’s word is not simply some words in a book, and his commands are not powerless instructions, we must first come to see that both are the source of life and more precious than any material possessions on this earth. If my conviction of this ever fades I simply have to read Psalm 119 again. This is the longest chapter in the Bible and David dedicated it all to his desiring of God’s word and wisdom. David clearly sees an understanding of God’s word as essential in knowing how to live life with open eyes:

“Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.” (Psalm 119:105)

Based on this I see two parts to true wisdom consisting of instruction and application. The Bible provides us with both. There are many instructions on how to live a Godly life. Essentially these are guides breaking down ‘how to love your neighbour’. Learning these instructions is the easy part. We can all read our Bible a bit more and search for the various instructions God gives us in how to act properly toward others. The application however is where both the difficulty and the excitement lies.

Though the Bible does provide examples of Jesus acting out God’s love in ways that were truly ‘what people needed’ and we can certainly learn from these, this topic could never be covered in full. The number of potential scenarios is too great to try and write out a formula for deciding what is best for someone in any given situation. Every time I tried I found that I had in fact simply been writing about how to apply God’s love in one specific situation and in essence that is the point of this blog. If I could answer how we best love God and man in one post then my job would be complete and there would be no need for this blog. Ultimately we will learn God’s wisdom through experience, trying to do what we feel is right in every situation and learning from the times we get it wrong.


No-one is saying this journey is easy or that you’ll always feel rewarded for your efforts but I can tell you from personal experience it is one you will never regret. As you see your current relationships blossom and you make new ones with people you never dreamed you could be friends with, you will truly see that God blesses those who selflessly give themselves to others and follow his great commandment.