So exams are over, interviews are done and I’ve finally found some time to get back to writing. I have made notes on several topics over the last few weeks as thoughts have run through my head. However, there is one that has stood above all of these. It is something that I have been thinking about for a long time now but haven’t known where to start. It is almost certainly the hardest topic I will ever write on and as you read this I hope you appreciate there is a lot I had to leave out otherwise it would have become a book!
The topic in question is ‘love’. As a Christian we are told to love God and love our neighbours (everyone) as ourselves. We are even told to love our enemies. I started thinking about this deeply last year and found that I didn't have a conception of love that I could apply to 'everyone'. Trying to understand and develop this has taken me on the most incredible journey which is by no means finished. This is clearly a massive subject and I have considered, learned about, prayed about and experienced love in many contexts over this past year. In this post I am going to focus on love in relation to one particular theme which stemmed from my musings on ‘how do I love those who I don’t love’. To put that another way, how do I love those I am not naturally drawn towards or am even repulsed by?
What I have found is that the principles required to do that apply across any healthy relationship and in that context you will probably find a certain universality about what I have written, indeed the challenge has been to find a form of 'love' we can apply to everyone (our neighbours). However, I do leave out many of the nuances associated with romantic love and to some extent close friends and family. For example, I talk very much at the ‘need’ level rather than the excessive side of love that will please someone when they weren’t necessarily in ‘need’. There are also many other areas to consider which I may get to writing about one day, but I hope you will find my musings on this small area interesting nonetheless.
"Love can be hard. Love requires you to be kind when you are angry, patient when you feel anxious, compassionate when you judge others, caring when you feel apathetic, trust when you've been wronged, let go when you want to hold on, know that the other person is you, take risks when you're scared, to always see the lesson and never look back once you've decided." - Jackson Kiddard
Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
"Love is the only thing that can turn an enemy into a friend." - Martin Luther King
The problem is that love in itself was never meant to be an end goal! God must always ultimately be our end goal if we want to truly love those around us for God is love but love is not God and if it is made to be so it will become corrupted. In my quest to draw closer to God and to improve my relationships with those around me I really started considering what it means to love in the biblical sense. Jesus said:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbour and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” (Matthew 5:43-48).
In my life I have always had a small group of strong friends consisting of no more than about 5 people in any life stage; I have then had lots of looser friends and finally acquaintances. This friendship structure suited me as I grew up. When I have a good friend I like to invest all of myself in them. This promotes having a few strong friendships; however it meant that my love couldn’t really extend beyond these people. Sure I was generally nice to others outside of this group but I felt that I had a limited pool of love to give and once it was expended then I had no reserves to draw from. As my relationship with Jesus grew I saw his ability to love everyone. I couldn’t understand how he had the emotional energy to do this. I think this was partly due to my slightly introverted nature growing up where I really enjoyed social interaction but mostly in small groups. However, over time I have come to understand two important facts about ‘biblical love’ that have changed my life.
Firstly, love doesn’t start and end with me. When you believe in a God who is love and who first loved us you start to see love as more of a flow rather than a stock concept. We were built to run and function on the love from God and then pass it on, both back to Him and, out to our ‘neighbours’. If we receive love but stockpile it rather than letting it flow we can become self-obsessed, conceited and greedy, we think the whole world revolves around us and ultimately this can lead to loneliness and depression as we become isolated from real relationships. Alternatively if we give love out but don’t draw it from the constant eternal source of God we will soon run dry and burn ourselves out often leading to anxiety and stress related issues.
Secondly, love does not have to have a strong emotional attachment connected with it. In the media we typically see ‘love’ depicted as a deep romantic relationship between two people, or possibly the close bond of family and friends. There is nearly always an emotional element involved. This was one of my biggest problems when it came to understanding how I was to not only love my family and close friends, but everyone including those people who don’t like me or have wronged me in some way! I knew I didn’t have the emotional energy to undertake such a task, it seemed impossible. But over time God has filled me with His love and helped me understand the concept of ‘biblical love’.
The best description I have heard of biblical love is this:
“To do what is best for others.”
This is essentially the fulfilling of the great commandment ‘love your neighbour as yourself’ and it has become somewhat of a mantra of mine over the last year as I have strived to discover what it takes to effect this in my life. This is again a simple concept in theory, but in practice this is the hardest thing that has ever been asked of man and something that no man has done perfectly apart from Jesus.
Why is this so difficult to achieve?
Well firstly there is the obvious point that we often have negative feelings towards people which hinders our ability to ‘want’ what is best for them. Imagine for example that you have just seen someone hit a young child, how are you supposed to love such a person in that situation? This is where forgiveness and grace becomes a major factor in the Christian life as to truly do what is best for someone we must first be thinking with a clear head and a clear heart.
Now what I am not saying is that you should simply ‘forget’ what that person has just done. If it was a purposeful act and they are still a possible danger to the child or others then something needs to be done. What I am saying, however, is that if you approach the situation from a place of hate you will likely not do the ‘best thing’ for that person which ultimately would be something that could help them deal with their anger issues and possible emotional scars and insecurities of their own. You must remember they are still precious creatures made in the image of God whom he loves and grieves over due to their lost state. If you start to see their repulsive actions as those of a wayward child rather than a monster you are more likely do what is best for them. In some cases this may be to offer grace, in others it may be prison and counselling that help them most. Another general motto I hold on to in times like this is ‘love the sinner, hate the sin’ as I feel this helps me to separate the two and think more clearly.
Humans are hard wired to want justice, if someone has committed a wrong then we want recompense, and only once that has been paid would most of us even consider forgiveness. However, the Christian has another model to live by, for God, when we were still sinners with a debt to pay, sent His son Jesus to die for us to pay our penalty (Romans 5:6-11). Though we were considered ‘enemies’ of God due to the sinful acts we have all committed His love was sufficient to look past that and send His most precious gift to die the death that we deserved. This is the model we are to live by.
So based on this, the second major reason why it is so difficult to ‘do’ what is best for others is that we simply may not ‘know’ what is best. In order to do this fully we would really need to know them and their situation in detail and be fully aware of God’s intentions for their life. As much as God can give us such knowledge at times it is often the case that we are acting on limited information. God gives us the fuel from which to love and ‘want’ what is best for others but to ‘know’ what that is requires a much deeper understanding of God and His word. Only with the wisdom of God can we act in a fully loving manner:
“But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.” (James 3:17)
The final reason it can be hard to truly ‘do what is best for others’ is that we may not have the resources. Sometimes, for example, we may want what is best and we may know what is best but we simply don’t have the resources to provide that. It may be that they need some money to get them out of debt but you don’t have it to spare, or they may need advice on a problem at work but you don’t understand it.
This is by no means a comprehensive list but rather just a few basic ideas on how I have learned to tackle some of the above issues.
Wanting to do what is best
God emphasises throughout the Bible that He looks to the heart behind an act before the act itself (1 Samuel 16:7). Paul said to the Corinthians, “If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship, but do not have love, I gain nothing” (1 Corinthians 13:3). This is the building block of living a Christian life and if there are any people reading this who feel they struggle simply with the desire to love then my only suggestion would be to spend more time with God, for it is through Him we are transformed into a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17) and through His Spirit we attain “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23).
It is inevitable that times will occur when we want to help someone, and know how to help them but we simply don’t have the resources available to do it. There are a few things to consider here. Firstly, we should pray into the situation, asking God to provide the resources somehow if this is His will. Secondly, we should try to discern whether this really is their need or whether there is something deeper that needs addressing first. It’s often easy to see and meet the surface level needs of people but discerning deeper needs is far more difficult. One of the greatest examples of looking beneath the surface of a person’s situation was surely Jesus’ encounter with the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4:7-26). Of course Jesus had divine help here but firstly we can have that also, and secondly it need not be that complicated. It may be as simple as recognising that a hospital patient doesn’t just need treatment for their illness or injury but quite possibly emotional support and comfort. Whilst most of us couldn’t provide the former we could do the latter.
It ultimately comes down to giving what we can and thinking outside the box. Peter and John provided a beautiful example of this when they met a lame man asking for money at the gate of the temple. Peter said to this man, “Silver and gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk” (Acts 3:6). In many situations when people ask for a handout, you would actually be loving them far more by simply giving them a hand. For example, if you give a neighbour’s child a lift to college each day that is good and serves their immediate need. If you help them learn how to drive and help them find a job to pay for a car then that is meeting far more needs than simply the travel to school.I feel Christians generally struggle more with ‘how’ to love than with a lack of ‘desire’ or even ‘resources’ to love. And is this not the purpose of discipleship, to learn how love and live like Christ did? God will transform our hearts when we believe in Him, but to become true disciples we must learn and follow His teachings and only through this will we truly be able to live in all He has planned for us. We must play our part in this process, taking advantage of the equipping given us by God. This would be much like a mechanic (God) putting a new engine (heart) into a car and then providing the owner (you) with a detailed instruction manual (The Bible) of how to use it to maximise its performance. If we don’t read or follow the instruction manual then we won’t take advantage of all the benefits and will likely be limiting its performance.
So how do we attain this wisdom? How do we come to understand exactly what God wants to happen in a situation, what is truly best for that person or group of people? There really is no simple answer to this as every situation is different and requires its own judgement. It may seem that in order to do what is best for one person we must not do what is best for, or even hurt, another. There are many moral and ethical questions raised in this area and quite frankly it can seem an overwhelming burden at times. What we must remember is that God does not expect us to always get things right, but if we go out with the right heart and the desire to understand God’s will in all situations then we will be in for one amazing ride experiencing God’s love and grace time and again! With that said I will mention a few basic tips in how to come to develop this wisdom.
Firstly, we must immerse ourselves in God and His word. A fundamental belief for all Christians must be that God’s desires are ultimately what is best in all situations. We must therefore be hungry for understanding, crying out to God for guidance and wisdom in all things. God’s word is not simply some words in a book, and his commands are not powerless instructions, we must first come to see that both are the source of life and more precious than any material possessions on this earth. If my conviction of this ever fades I simply have to read Psalm 119 again. This is the longest chapter in the Bible and David dedicated it all to his desiring of God’s word and wisdom. David clearly sees an understanding of God’s word as essential in knowing how to live life with open eyes:
“Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.” (Psalm 119:105)
Based on this I see two parts to true wisdom consisting of instruction and application. The Bible provides us with both. There are many instructions on how to live a Godly life. Essentially these are guides breaking down ‘how to love your neighbour’. Learning these instructions is the easy part. We can all read our Bible a bit more and search for the various instructions God gives us in how to act properly toward others. The application however is where both the difficulty and the excitement lies.
Though the Bible does provide examples of Jesus acting out God’s love in ways that were truly ‘what people needed’ and we can certainly learn from these, this topic could never be covered in full. The number of potential scenarios is too great to try and write out a formula for deciding what is best for someone in any given situation. Every time I tried I found that I had in fact simply been writing about how to apply God’s love in one specific situation and in essence that is the point of this blog. If I could answer how we best love God and man in one post then my job would be complete and there would be no need for this blog. Ultimately we will learn God’s wisdom through experience, trying to do what we feel is right in every situation and learning from the times we get it wrong.
No-one is saying this journey is easy or that you’ll always feel rewarded for your efforts but I can tell you from personal experience it is one you will never regret. As you see your current relationships blossom and you make new ones with people you never dreamed you could be friends with, you will truly see that God blesses those who selflessly give themselves to others and follow his great commandment.
