So, having got through the end of university; spent 9 weeks in America teaching and living with kids; and moved to London to start my new job, I've finally been able to once again put pen to paper (or fingers to screen as the case is). As I said when I started this blog, though these posts come from a Christian perspective I hope they will be interesting and maybe inspiring to those on all levels of the spiritual spectrum.
The primary command of Jesus to us as disciples is to love God and love our neighbours as ourselves (Mark 12:30-31). This is our mission as Christians! It should be our main purpose in life, and the one thing that comes above all others. Most Christians know this and, at least based on the ones I know, I would say most Christians want to be able to sincerely live this out. We all dream of how much better our homes, communities, cities, and nations would be if we as Christians truly loved others as ourselves. So what stops us?
This is obviously a massive topic so I'll only be looking at one aspect of it in this post. I must also say now as a kind of disclaimer, I'm definitely approaching this as a pilgrim on a journey and not by any means as an authority on the topic but I hope my few musings will prove useful to some at least.
"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." - Ezekiel 36:26
This verse in Ezekiel relates to God's promise of internal transformation for all those who have become part of the new covenant by accepting Jesus as their Lord and saviour. I made this decision just over two years ago and I know in my life at least this resulted in a significant change in my capacity to truly love and care for people, something I felt I used to struggle with beyond a few close friends. God has taken me on an incredible journey since then but one thing that has surprised me is that despite having an increased awareness and compassion for other people, I have still struggled with actually showing it.
I can't even count the times I have seen a situation and known the right or good thing to do but haven't done it. Whether that's helping someone in need or simply doing something nice to give someone a boost I have often ended up backing out. One example that sticks out in my mind occurred on my placement year at Nomura.
As I was getting a cup of tea in the office one morning one of my colleagues came in and as part of the general morning chat mentioned he was really tired that morning. Because of this I went to the canteen and bought him a fruit smoothie to help kickstart his day. As soon as I bought it I started imagining an array of scenarios which might have caused him to reject the drink which started to cause me anxiety. Some of my thoughts included, "what if he doesn't like this type of smoothie" and "what if he thinks it's weird that I've bought him this". Then the get out plans started to come "if I don't give it to him he won't think any less of me because he doesn't know I got it...maybe I just shouldn't risk it". Probably 20 minutes later I was still sat at my desk, now heart pounding at the very thought of walking over and giving a colleague a smoothie! Talk about irrational. Eventually I plucked up the courage to do it. I walked over, put the drink on his desk and said I hoped it would help give him a boost and then scarpered off barely giving him time to even say thanks.
Even whilst this was happening I knew it was completely irrational, yet at the time I just couldn't shake that anxiety and fear of rejection over a simple kind act. But why?!
I would argue (mostly out of personal experiences like above) that the primary barrier to giving ourselves fully to those around us is fear. Somewhat ironically we become self-conscious about being selfless (which by definition should be thinking of ourselves less). It comes from the fear of rejection, whether by the person we lovingly offer ourselves to, or from our friends, or from others looking on. We, as humans, are primarily social creatures and one of our strongest desires is to be accepted and liked. And it's often this, alongside our completely irrational assessments of the likely outcome of events (e.g. thinking we'll be rejected for doing something nice), which leads us to be self-conscious about being selfless.
From youth we learn to put barriers up. We start off innocent, loving, and trusting, but through an accumulation of hurts and deceptions we begin to close our hearts off so we don't get hurt again. At the time this often seems like a source of strength and independence, I know for me it has felt this way following relationship break-ups and significant life changes. The problem however was also the solution...independence. I had learned not to trust people unless I had very high grounds for doing so. This has certainly protected me from getting hurt over the last few years but as I look back and reflect I can also see how it has hindered me from going deeper in my friendships and truly living life.
As much as our western world tells us independence is good it is not what God meant for us. Humans are made to be in relationship, both with God and with each other and I believe that if we lack in either one of these we suffer. As soon as God made Adam He declared, "It is not good for man to be alone" (Genesis 2:18). However, we do live in a broken world full of broken people and that inevitably leads to broken interactions and relationships. It is easy to see why this world says independence is the way to go because if our main goal in life was to minimise our chance of getting hurt then it would be! But it seems to me that would be like playing 11 men on the goal line in a football match. You might minimise your chances of conceding a goal but you'll also never feel the elation that comes with scoring one!
To put this into plain language, if we never trust others we will surely minimise our chances of rejection but we will also minimise our chances of experiencing the joy that comes with acceptance and deep relationships. More than that we are also depriving others around us of the love and joy we might be able to offer them. Whether it is introducing ourselves to a neighbour we don't know yet, buying a gift for a friend, or giving food to a homeless person, all of them involve a risk of rejection and embarrassment but they also involve the chance of joy and relationship.
When speaking of our future hope in Jesus Christ of life after death, Paul quotes Hosea by saying, "O death, where is your sting?" (1 Corinthians 15:55). In this Paul is not saying death is eliminated, but rather the 'sting' of death, eternal separation from God, no longer holds its power. If we put our trust and identity in God this is how we can also view rejection. We can't stop it from happening but we can realise that rejection from men doesn't matter when we have acceptance from a God who loves us deeply.
God doesn't want us to live safe, quiet, lonely lives where we never get hurt but also never truly live. He wants us to build relationships and live with a wild and passionate love that leads us to freely give ourselves to those around us in full vulnerability. Yes we live in a broken world full of broken people and because of that there will always be a risk of rejection but is that risk not worth it both of our sake and theirs. Why should we forgo the 9 kind acts that are greatly received for the sake of 1 that might be misinterpreted and cause rejection?
The heart of flesh God intends us to live with is not soft as some might consider it. Yes it is tender; able to empathise with and feel compassion for others but it is certainly not weak under attack or in the face of adversity. We only have to look at the life of Jesus to see how someone can live a life of honesty, vulnerability, and integrity whilst at the same time being strong through his identity in God to oppose evil and stand up for good even in the face of great oppression and ultimately to the point of death.
As I said earlier I know most Christians, including myself, have the desire to live with a reckless and audacious love like Christ. One that is willing to break cultural norms and boundaries in order to put the needs of others first. But in order to do this we have to stay rooted in God for our identities so we can confidently offer ourselves in vulnerability at the risk of being cheated, used, and rejected. The only way others will start to let down their stone walls, their defence mechanisms, is if they see us coming to them time and again in loving vulnerability.
As stated earlier, this can be as simple as taking the initiative to introduce yourself to colleagues at work, or your neighbours. Even if you've worked and lived their for years, there is no time like the present! Put out your hand and say hello. Offer to help them with something. Let yourself be in a position of possible rejection and if you are turned down then try again later! Start getting creative with how you love and care for people! This is an exciting journey that ultimately brings far more life and happiness than it ever will rejection and sadness, and not just for you, but for all those around you. Your current relationships will strengthen and you will build many new ones, and in the process turn more hearts of stone into hearts of flesh which will one by one transform our homes, communities, cities, and nations.
It has been important to me to remember to take every moment as it comes. Every time you are faced with the opportunity to build someone up, or stand up and defend them, or simply extend a hand of friendship, then do it! No matter how much anxiety or inadequacy you may feel, offer what you have no matter how insignificant it seems to you. I know that seems far easier said than done but I promise you it is possible! Pray every morning before leaving the house, root yourself and your identity in God and build a proper perspective on life before going out and living it.
A couple of years ago God really started putting homeless people on my heart as is somewhat evidenced in my first post on this blog (A Call to Small Arms). In that post I spoke of the significance of small acts even in the face of great needs, but even then I struggled to live it out. Recently, however, as God has been challenging me to stop thinking of how others might perceive me and start focusing on how I can make others feel, all of this has begun to click into place.
The last couple of weeks I have been making two extra sandwiches to take into work so that I can give them to homeless people. I made sure to hold them in my hand rather than put them in my backpack so it would be as easy as possible to go through with it. And through this process I have started to get to know Gary and Matt who both live on the streets near my work. Each time I go past I stop and chat with them and give them a sandwich. Also having helped Matt pay for a few nights at a local hostel he has now been given a full time place with access to benefits and the chance to start looking for work. All within the space of two weeks my decision to live with a heart of flesh as God intended and seek situations where I can be vulnerable for the sake of others has already helped one life change significantly.
I offer this story not to try and make myself seem good but as a testimony to the fact that when you stop being self-conscious about being selfless and start offering yourself to others freely your life and the lives of those around you will begin to change for the better. And I have found that pushing myself out of my comfort zone in this case has quickly done two things. Firstly, it has widened my comfort zone with regards to stopping and talking to homeless people. Secondly, it has significantly boosted my confidence to offer myself more to other people in other ways.
I'm still very much on a journey with this and certainly don't mean to sound like a saint who's got it all down. Anyone in my life right now would be able to confirm that is certainly not the case. But I have seen real change recently and am excited to go deeper on this journey of selflessness, pushing myself ever more out of my comfort zone for the sake of helping and loving the people around me.
Let's start to shift the culture around us and break the norms that tell us we can't offer friendship to certain outsiders, or we can't introduce ourselves to the neighbours we have lived next to for 5 years, or the work colleagues we have never really known the names of. Most of the people on this planet want to be accepted and loved and they won't reject an offer of friendship and help. No matter how long overdue that invitation may seem. When it comes to loving people actively look for and pray about chances to be vulnerable and open to rejection! Get creative about it! And if you are rejected or shunned in some way, take root in God and pride in the fact you tried and then try again!
We have to stop associating rejection with failure and start seeing it simply as a sign of a loving act daringly tried. Can we get to a place where we think of our image so little and think of others so much that we don't fear rejection? This is my goal; this is where my pilgrimage is headed and I will surely stumble and fall at times, but surely the cause and reason of the quest is worth such risks. As Teddy Roosevelt famously said:
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."
Anyway, that's my rambling over for now. I hope you found something in this interesting at least. If anyone wants to chat more about this or anything else relating to your life, my life, or God then feel free! Remember, it's all about being vulnerable and taking risks right! And I'd like to think I'm a pretty open and accepting guy.
Also it's great to encourage each other in things like this so if you do decide to start pushing yourself out of your comfort zone more then let me know how it goes! I'd love to hear about the journeys other people are going on and share mine with them. Talk to your friends about it, challenge each other to step out and hold each other accountable, it will seem alien and risky at first but at the end of your life I'm sure you will only look back and wish you had gone even further, realising the joy, love, and life that comes with such acts.
It seems to have been a custom of mine to put a song at the end of these posts so here's one that has definitely inspired me to think about this topic at times. Why not give it a listen - Matthew West - My Own Little World
