He told us a tale of brotherhood towards purity. A group of men who entered a pact of complete honesty and vulnerability in an attempt to overcome these behaviours. This honesty led to one man after another speaking of their successes and their failures; their struggles and their triumphs. The power in that space was palpable. By the end of it a new brotherhood had formed by the presence of a common enemy, a common battle. Every story of guilt and shame felt like a communal blow. Every story of triumph and freedom was cause for a battle-cry.
At the end of our time together we gathered in a circle and prayed. We prayed for a unity of brothers amongst our churches and friends at home. We prayed for courage and wisdom in continuing the battle. Finally, we shared some stories of success and strategies on how to advance as we went our separate ways.
This is a brotherhood I entered three years ago. In this post I'm going to enter the ring of honesty and vulnerability in hope that my story and experiences inspire some to enter the battle, others to continue it and yet more to overcome it.
Into slavery
My struggle began 12 years ago. The year was 2003; Tony Blair was still in power, Tiger Woods was still unbeatable, and the iPhone was still 4 years from existence! However, the year 2003 was personally significant for another reason. As far as I can remember this is when I discovered masturbation, with pornography following closely in suit.
So innocent, so unassuming, I was suddenly thrown into a world I could never have imagined. It seemed exciting yet dangerous; pleasurable yet something to be kept secret. Over the following 10 years I became consumed. I’ve seen things I would be ashamed to speak of, and enjoyed it, until "the post match crash". Though no matter how much shame I may have felt with myself after I only wanted to find seemingly more shocking things the next time.
10 years of inward struggle, 10 years of struggle with God, 10 years of secrecy, lies, and covering my tracks. In these 10 years I learnt to make up excuses and be selective in the messages I listened to. I would look up articles on masturbation but make sure only to read the ones that weren’t against it. My mind became trained to validate my actions because it was so addicted it didn’t want to stop, but it didn’t want to feel shame and guilt either and it's all too common.
Those 10 years left me broken and exhausted. I didn't like what the behaviours created in me but I could see no way out. I was a slave to these addictions. I tried to get free more times than I could count, and each time I went crawling back. Many times I prayed and set my will against it, I would “go as long as I could”. Sometimes this would last a few days, sometimes a week, once or twice over a month; but every time I would cave. I would listen to all the excuses I’d built up and the lies that were so ingrained they seemed like truth. Often these would make me feel better about the behaviour and for long periods I wouldn't worry, but eventually it would catch up with me.
This is undoubtedly one of the most prolific areas of addiction among men and, increasingly, women. It is a topic that both individual Christians as well as the church as a whole is generally scared to discuss. This leaves many who want to stop, feeling alone, ashamed, and hopeless.
However, this isn’t the end of the story. Those of you who are keen eyed might have noticed I took us back 12 years but have only talked of 10. 2 and half years ago now I stopped both pornography and masturbation. After a decade of struggle “it was finished”. My hope for this post is that it will reignite hope both in you, the church and anyone else who is tired of this battle that no matter how deeply you feel stuck in this behaviour, you can get out.
Battle Strategies
From here I want to share my experiences on this journey in the hope that it will bring at least some people freedom. I hope this doesn’t get taken as a 5 step programme to freedom, but more as some principles woven together as part of a much longer journey and relationship with God. Everyone is different and of course everyone’s journey will look different, but I pray you at least gain hope, and maybe a few practical tips.
1. It is possible!
Much like Roger Bannister breaking the 4 minute mile, the human psyche responds hugely to broken and shifted boundaries. My first step towards freedom came from simply knowing it was possible. Not only to stop watching porn, but to stop masturbating altogether. It was at a ‘Last Man Standing’ gathering at Momentum 2012. I had no idea what it was about but my friends were going and we got to wear army style face paint, so I was sold! It was here I heard testimonies from guys who had gone a whole year without masturbating. This was absolutely mind blowing! Not only that there were guys out there trying to do it, but also that they were succeeding.Knowing it's possible lit a sense of hope in my heart. However, there were 5 more months of struggle and relapse to come. This wasn't enough to take me the whole way.
2. It’s natural and desirable
Another big breakthrough in my battle was moving from knowing ‘it’s possible’ to stop watching porn and masturbating to believing it was in fact natural and desirable. I believe that fullness of life is obtained the closer we can get to God’s original perfect design and I came to believe that masturbation was not part of it. I came to believe that it is a learned rather than inbuilt behaviour and therefore living without it is not only possible but actually natural.
Many think of God and therefore Christians as being prudish, but we should arguably have the most satisfying sex lives of anyone. I mean our God created sex and made it pleasurable for humans! He is arguably the most pro-sex being in the universe. The thing is He loves it so much that he hates to see it being perverted and distorted. He meant it to be a selfless act of giving yourself completely to your partner in a loving covenantal relationship. It is in this scenario that sex flourishes and brings life (in more ways than one).
Masturbation on the other hand is an act of self-gratification which can breed selfishness, greed and unhealthy lust. It (as studies have shown) not only inhibits your ability to enjoy real sex, but can also fuel a multitude of other issues (if you're interested in this then the website Your Brain On Porn is a great resource).
Having been free of this for a few years now I would never choose to go back. I have experienced too many incredible benefits to being free. Where this used to cause guilt and undermine my sense of integrity and identity I now feel excited and hopeful about who God has made me to be and what He has made me to do in the world. Where I used to feel little joy or passion for anything I now feel joy and passion regularly and a deep sense of purpose in life. Where I used to hold back from relationships with the women in my life I now have many deep and intimate friendships. Where I used to feel insecure sexually I now feel empowered (this is not about actually having sex as personally I've chosen to wait for marriage, this is about simply feeling secure in who I am).
Of course not all of these things come from simply stopping these behaviours, but they were a big catalyst for the journey that followed and this journey was largely down to the next section.
3. It requires a vision
Please pay attention to this point. It is the longest but only because I regard it as the single most important factor in my eventual victory and if I could give someone just one piece of advice, this would be it.
Your motivation for stopping is paramount. WE NEED TO REPLACE THE 'NO' WITH A BETTER 'YES'. For all the years I tried and failed to overcome pornography and masturbation I was trying to 'stop'. I was running away from a negative which only served to keep it front of mind, much like telling someone to not think of a pink elephant.
You must gain a captivating vision to run towards. The only way to create lasting behavioural change is by actually developing a superior pleasure. We need to find a vision we are willing to fight for even at the expense of pornography and masturbation. For me they mostly fell into the following two categories.
Fighting 'for' God's daughters
I wanted to become more pure in my heart, mind, and actions towards my then girlfriend. I wanted to be the best partner and eventual husband and father I could be. This was a huge area of my life I knew I had to battle with if I wanted to truly be all I could as a future husband and father.Beyond this I truly wanted to be a safe place and advocate for women. As a son, brother, and father to the women in my life I wanted to be able to see them for who they really are, without being clouded by rogue images and fantasies turning them into mere objects. I wanted to be someone who could provide a safe environment for the women in my life where they felt they could be real, let their guard down, and let their inner beauty flow freely.
I heard Jefferson Bethke quote recently, "Success in fighting porn happens when a guy looks away from porn not because of shame but when they have such a high view of a woman that it's nearly impossible to get arousal from her exploitation."
Truly living the Christian life is about being the ultimate cheerleader for all people no matter the expense to yourself (the Bible describes Jesus as our ultimate 'advocate'). It is about gaining genuine pleasure and happiness from seeing others flourish in their lives and relationship with God. When we watch porn or imagine the women in our lives for the purpose of masturbation we are instantly objectifying them; using them for our own gratification and pleasure whilst in no way thinking of their welfare.
This is truly the essence of my journey. Far from being a 'user' of women I decided I wanted to become an 'advocate'. I started to look at them through their heavenly Father's eyes; thinking of their hopes and dreams, their struggles and hurts, essentially their humanity. When I did this I no longer saw a woman in pornography as some 'thing' to get pleasure from but as some 'one' who God's heart is bleeding over. God sees a daughter who is lost and hurting and He is craving for 'men' to stand up and fight (often against their own urges) to restore her to the glory of God she is made to be; rather than 'boys' who are seeking self gratification and taking advantage of her.
Bringing freedom
On a similar theme I wanted to be able to help other people get free of this addiction. I knew first-hand how important it was to have examples leading the way. My first point expresses the significance of this. I wanted to be a light to all those around me who wanted to get free from this and you could play a massive part too.
Dream with me for a moment of a church and society where sex is restored to an act of selfless giving. Healthier relationships between men and women, husband and wife, parent and child. Marriages flourishing, the sex trade collapsing, abuse and perversion ending. I truly believe these would be the outcomes if sex was put back in its rightful place as the ultimate act of giving and selflessness rather than the selfish act it has become. Is this not something worth dreaming of, something worth fighting for?
I only shared my visions as an example. It's important for you to find your own vision, to find the beauty and goodness you're fighting for. Lean into God’s love, imagine humanity and relationships how they were meant to be in all their glory, and then build your vision!
4. It doesn’t exist
Now for some practicalities and mental tricks to help you through the early days. I knew it would take deliberate efforts to get through the first few weeks and months. For me this was rooted in the idea that ‘masturbation doesn’t exist’. Whenever I was aroused I would simply tell myself that masturbation doesn’t exist so you’re going to have to find another way to deal with this. Masturbation is not something I know, it’s not in my repertoire, it simply isn’t a thing!I know guys will be able to empathise with me when I say we can get erections for no reason. Just sitting in a certain way can do it! Not to take anything away from you girls but it really doesn’t take much to get most men (at least physically) aroused. Particularly in the first few weeks I would find myself sat at my desk at work and I suddenly had more to contend with than just a P&L that wouldn’t tie back. However, seeing as masturbation didn’t exist anymore I had to come up with other ways to manage this.
I might change the way I was sitting, go for a little wander round the office, go get a cup of water, whatever it took! When at home I would simply keep myself occupied whether through TV, books, prayer, whatever! When it was time to go to sleep, if I was struggling to settle, I would bring to mind my all the positive reasons I was battling this which are laid out above and I would pray to God. As soon as you become mindful of God it's amazing how quickly your libido disappears, much like a parent walking in the room! Finally I would remind myself that masturbation didn’t exist in my skill set, so I’d have to find something else to relax me or just tough it out.
It's also important to remember at this point that you do have control over your arm and hand. You can choose to put it, or not put it anywhere. You have power in this and are not a slave to your lusts!
5. It gets easier
I know that may sound hard but trust me guys and girls, it gets easier! Oh, you wouldn’t believe how easy it gets! I haven’t had even the slightest hint of desire to masturbate for probably the best part of 2 years now. It’s actually so easy now I forget other people still struggle with it! Your random bouts of arousal disappear, those rogue images and thoughts dissipate, pretty soon you just forget about it completely. This has been part of why I’ve done less than I originally wanted in terms of stepping out and guiding others. It must seem crazy but you have to believe me, I don’t miss it at all, mostly because I truly forget it exists!
This is the essence of my journey. Though there’s always more that could be said but I hope these insights, experiences, and tips are enough to provide some people with the tools they need to start their journey. Please don’t try and do this completely in your own strength though! I still hold this as one of the greatest miracles God has ever performed in me! These tips and tricks were always secondary and without His activity in my life they would not have been enough.
For me it all started by writing out a covenental prayer outlining why I wanted to be free of this addiction and what my 'visions to run towards' were. I have renewed this in writing on both of my first two anniversaries. So much of my journey was to do with God transforming my heart, my desires, and my passions. Never believe this is just about pornography and masturbation. This is about so much more! Purity is a heart position, you must be a visionary, you must be a dreamer! Dreaming of the beautiful future that lies in wait for those who overcome; beautiful relationships with the opposite sex, with your partner, with your children. Let the beauty of the vision capture your heart and mind, let it become so powerful it destroys any desire for the alternative.
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.” – Philippians 4:8
Conclusion
To finish I'd just like to spare a thought for those currently in the battle. Whether you've been trying to stop for 10 months or 10 years, don't lose heart. We must redefine failure not as the one who tries and stumbles but as the one who doesn't try. We must create environments of encouragement where if our brother stumbles for the 100th time we pick them up, dust them off and carry on the fight. The culture of honesty created by Last Man Standing is essential in taking this battle to the masses. As James said:
"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." (James 5:16) Notice he didn't say, "Be so ashamed of your sin you keep it to yourself." That's what Satan wants.
This is a message that needs to be more widely preached in the church today. It’s a topic that has been brushed under the proverbial pews for too long! If you want more advice or to talk further I am more than happy to help in any way I can. Let’s start talking about this, let’s start encouraging each other, challenging each other, dreaming together of a glorious future living in all the fullness of God’s original design!
Much love,
Rowan
