-----------------------------------------------------------------------
We’re all in this together…aren’t we?
As a Christian, do you ever find yourself hiding your moral failures? I know I do. Whether it’s as small as lying about the fact you had a few too many to drink the night before or as big as covering up an alcohol addiction, it’s easy to find ourselves covering up our failures. But why do we do it? And does it really achieve what we hope it will?
A couple of reasons for doing it that easily come to mind include:
• Being ‘Christ’s ambassadors’ to the world (2 Corinthians 5:20) – Being the primary marketing tool to the literal embodiment of love in the universe is a pretty good reason to hide our failures isn’t it? In an attempt to ‘protect God’s reputation’ I will often find myself either hiding my moral failures from those who know I’m Christian, or hiding my Christian-hood when I think I might morally fail! A quick example of the latter would be those times I hide my book cover if it’s explicitly Christian when I’m about to board a busy train so people don’t associate my selfish pursuit for a space with God’s character (yes people, it really happens).
• Wanting to be liked, valued, or respected – Whether it’s to win friends, a partner, a job or a position of authority, there are many occasions on a daily basis we might try and boost our moral CV to impress someone. As I will explain later, what we do will often depend on who we’re trying to impress. I often find it harder to admit certain things to Christians than non-Christians for fear of rejection or judgement. For example, those occasions I’ve had one too many drinks. To my non-Christian friends they are simply funny memories, to some Christian friends they never happened.The ‘perfect’ irony
So what’s the point of potentially damaging my credibility as a Christian by opening up to you about these things? The truth is, I’m concerned that we’ve created a false economy. I’m concerned that in an attempt to look godly we are preventing ourselves from actually being godly and in an attempt to draw people towards God through hiding our failures we are actually pushing them away.
Though not specifically talking about Christians, this was summed up neatly, if bluntly, by psychotherapist Steve Biddulph in his book ‘Manhood’:
“Nothing better guarantees you being, to put it bluntly, an asshole, than the inability to say ‘I’m lost’, or ‘I don’t know’, or ‘I was wrong’. Nothing makes you imperfect as much as pretending to be perfect.”
On a personal level, valuing other people’s perception of our godliness so much that we hide our brokenness and sins is analogous to people valuing their perceived health so much that they never go to a doctor when they’re sick. Imagine you had an embarrassing illness which was causing you real pain, discomfort and distress but all the doctors who could treat this illness were people you wanted to impress. This is how many people today seem to approach Christians and the Church.
I believe this is largely fuelled by the fact Christian’s measure their success and, therefore, value by their level of sanctification (i.e. progression to godliness). This is then heightened by the idea that sanctification should follow a linear path. When people become Christian they often have hope of being set free of past sins, addictions and hurts. However, if you’re still struggling with the same, or new, sins, addictions and internal brokenness after 5, 10 even 20 years it seems less acceptable. So, we fake it, pretending we’re further along the road to sanctification than our hearts and minds would indicate so that we don’t lose value to those closest to us.
The issue with this approach is that, like with a sick person avoiding the doctor, hiding our moral brokenness often just leads to further deterioration. I’m concerned, therefore, that the value we’re placing on looking loving is keeping our hearts self-centred, the value we’re placing on appearing joyful is keeping us miserable and discontented, the value we’re placing over being perceived as sexually pure is keeping our hearts lustful and the value we’re placing on seeming peaceful is keeping us in anxiety.Further to this, and as a caveat to Biddulph’s statement above, I believe that not only does pretending to be perfect keep us imperfect, but that it also keeps others imperfect too. As Roman’s 3:23 says,
“All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”
Trying to pretend that we never mess up doesn’t glorify God or make him more attractive. It simply serves to tell people that if they want to be valued by us or God then they’d better be perfect before they try. No wonder people often feel compelled to hide their sins, failures, brokenness and resulting pain from Christians. And so, the image culture is perpetuated, with more people putting on their masks rather than discovering the way of true freedom, healing and beauty.
So how to do we overcome this sad irony and find what we’re really looking for?
Well if, as Biddulph said so astutely above, pretending to be perfect causes us to remain imperfect, then it would only seem right to assume that stopping this pretence might lead us on the path to true perfection. And if, as I suggested, pretending to be perfect causes others to remain imperfect, then maybe stopping this pretence will help them too?
Failing to succeed
What I have found over the last few years is that being willing to share our failures often brings the success we were looking for. Failing at looking successful can be the precise catalyst we need to become the person God is calling us to be. To try and help illustrate this I’ve given a few brief examples below:
- Becoming more godly
Once we are willing to admit our failures God is able to take us on the journey to healing. As Jesus said in Mark 2:17,
"It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."
The truth is, as stated above, “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” The issue is, only some are willing to lay down their pride long enough to admit it. I promise you though, until you do, there are many freedoms you will never find.
Several years ago I started tackling sexual addictions in my life (pornography, masturbation and general objectifying/lustful thoughts towards women). God gave me a strong sense of all women as His beloved daughters and my role as a man to honour and love them. I began to see that these acts and the underlying heart condition causing them were directly hurting me, my ability to connect with God and my relationships with the females in my life (present and future) as well as indirectly hurting those negatively impacted by the sex industry.
The issue I found at this point, however, is though I now wanted to stop, I couldn’t find the power to overcome this addiction. I felt too ashamed to talk to friends about it, guilty in front of God and just generally hopeless, like this is something I’d have to live with the rest of my life. That is, until I met a group of Christian guys who had let their masks of perfectionism drop and admitted to each other that they were struggling in this area and wanted to seek freedom together. This environment of vulnerability gave me the courage to share my struggles and eventually find complete freedom.
(If this is a journey you are feeling called to and would like to read my full story on this please follow the link attached, but please be aware I have been somewhat explicit: The Brotherhood of Purity)
- Building deep friendships
Just over a year ago, as I assessed my friendships in London I realised that, though having lots of friends, there were few I could say I was truly close to. In all honesty I felt lonely. This may come as a surprise to many. I feel I used to project a rather compelling façade of someone who was happy with life and had good community. I was out most nights of the week meeting up with people and often busy at the weekends too. Lots of people would say they liked, respected and even admired me. Yet, deep down, I felt like a perpetual third wheel, always invited to the party but never included in the intimacy.
The catalyst for such internal honesty was my last break-up. After this I felt unusually vulnerable and could no longer hold it in. I met up with a friend and shared how lonely I felt and how much I wanted deeper friendships. His advice was to meet up with a couple of guys who had just moved to London and joined our church. His reasoning, we were at similar life stages and all wanted to make new friends. The result, these guys are now some of the deepest friends I’ve ever had and the blessing they’ve been to my life in the last year is immeasurable. It all seems so simple, but had I not risked looking weak by sharing my struggles with a friend this may never have happened.
- Reconciling others to God
As I said near the beginning. Sometimes, as Christians, our motive for hiding our failures is to try and protect God’s reputation or make Him attractive. However, a lesson I’ve learned over the last few years is that failing in our attempts to be perfect ambassadors for Christ is often the breakthrough others need before they can get to know God.
A great example which illustrates this doesn’t come from my life, but comes from a story I once read (unfortunately I can’t remember the source) in which a teenage boy shared his journey to faith. This boy, though part of a church youth group, was not Christian. He would go simply to see his friends, please his mum and avoid boredom. One day, however, whilst going on a trip with his youth group, the minibus broke down. The driver, who was also the youth leader of the church, proceeded to get out of the minibus, walk round the back and swear profusely whilst also kicking the bus. As the boy sat in the back seat and watched this unfold he decided, “Well if this guy is allowed to be Christian then why can’t I!”
The irony here is that the youth leader, if questioned, would probably have been incredibly ashamed of this incident and may even have denied it altogether, and yet it led to one of the major goals of his ministry, bringing another person into relationship with God. Now the danger of this message is, of course, that what you think I’m saying is we should go around losing our temper, swearing profusely and kicking every vehicle we see in order to reconcile people to God. For some of you it may seem like a disappointment when I say that’s very much not what I’m trying to communicate.What I am saying, however, is that to a messed up human race grace is attractive, but unless we show we trust the grace of God enough to be open when we mess up (not to 'try' to mess up), then other people won’t know it’s accessible and will miss out on its transformative power and beauty. Hear me clearly, wanting to be godly is a good thing and should be the desire of all Christians, but if you’re hiding where you’re failing at it you’ve made it your identity rather than your goal.
That is the crux of this whole message, pretending to never fail doesn't glorify God precisely because it hinders us, and others, from becoming godly.
(How our moral behaviour and relationship with God interact can be a major barrier in a person’s journey towards God. In order to help try to simplify this I’ve written a simplified analogy. For the sake of not making this post longer than it already is I’ve included this as an appendix for those who wish to read it called ‘A Father’s Heart’. I also explored this idea in another blog post which can be found here: The Law of Love)
Giving up perfection
The fact we need to realise is, Christians are human too. This may seem like an obvious statement but I think it’s easy for Christians to forget that we’re not expected to be perfect. God’s spent 6,000 years (or longer if you don't believe in a literal Biblical timeline) coming to terms with the fact that humans are just plain messed up and yet the Bible says He still loves every single one. He doesn’t expect you to be perfect any more than you would expect a new puppy to never wee in the house.If we’re going to live full lives we need to follow Jesus’ example. He was so full in his identity as a beloved son of God that he was willing to look small, weak and inferior. In spite of being the heir to all authority in the universe he chose to wash his disciples’ feet (John 13:1-17). In spite of being the true judge of the universe he allowed himself to be falsely accused (Matthew 27:11-14). Despite being the King of kings he associated with the social outcasts rather than the rulers (Luke 15:1-2). Jesus taught,
“The greatest among you will be your servant. For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” (Matthew 23:11-12)
As long as we are still gaining our validation and identity from human beings we will never find the freedom Jesus had from the vice of human opinion. Jesus’ power lay in his sure identity and relationship with God and we can attain this too. Once you accept Jesus as your saviour your moral performance is no longer a factor in God’s love for you. The core message of the Gospel is that Jesus, who was perfect, became imperfect for you (2 Corinthians 5:21). When Jesus died and stood before God in judgement he put on a mask which wasn’t his, engraved with our sins, so that no matter what our lives have looked like, we can put on his perfect mask, engraved with the words ‘beloved son’, when we stand before God in judgement.
It is only when you know you are big in the eyes of God that you will be willing to look small in the eyes of men. Vulnerability is a courageous act and to be done well requires an inner confidence that only God can give. God gives us the freedom to look like failures so we can finally be successful.
How to fail well
When this happened for me, one of the major shifts in my mind was that I began to see vulnerability as an investment. Dropping my perfect image and risking others’ opinions of me falling in order that I might actually become that whole, loving, selfless, godly, joyful and peaceful person I wanted to be. Much like someone who has an embarrassing illness finally going to the doctor and risking some temporary character damage but in the long term being rid of the pain and discomfort the illness created.
The final question then is, on a practical level, how do we begin this road of living vulnerably and allowing the real us to thrive? The truth is, the journey towards deep relationships and healing only comes through confession. Confession to ourselves, to God and to others.
- Confession to ourselves
This journey to true freedom, healing and acceptance has to start with self-honesty. As Will McAvoy (aka Jeff Daniels) said in the TV show ‘The Newsroom’,
“The first step to solving any problem is by recognising there is one.”
Until we acknowledge we are sick we won’t seek a cure. More than this, until we acknowledge the severity of the damage our inner sickness is causing to ourselves and others we won’t find the motivation to change (repent). We must take personal responsibility and realise that pursuing healing will not only change the trajectory of our lives but also likely those of our present or future kids, spouse, friends and colleagues.
I’ve recently started helping run a course at my church which helps men through various addictions (For more information please visit: Men's Recovery Group). In this the men are told that where you’re at with the addiction is not the important factor for recovery, but knowing where you’re at is (Miller and Rollnick, 1991 - Stages of Change). This model was designed to apply to all behaviour change, not just extreme addictions. If we want to stop old behaviours or start new ones we must be brutally honest in our self-assessment.
The fact is, often times, though knowing we are broken, we don’t have the natural self-awareness to know exactly what is wrong. This is an area that prayer can be hugely helpful with. The best approach I have found is to sit in a quiet place, without distraction and ask God, “Father, which thought and behaviour patterns are negatively affecting me and those I interact with? What caused me to (insert negative behaviour/thought pattern here) today?” Then sit and wait and listen to the promptings he places in your mind and heart.
- Confession to God
The first step already hints to this second step. The truth is, there is no sin you could commit that God didn’t already know you would when He allowed His son Jesus to take your spiritual judgement on the cross. Even at your worst you were worth enough for Him to give the biggest sacrifice He could. This should give you the confidence to be open with Him about the darkest secrets of your heart and know you will still be loved and accepted.
Jesus now stands as your advocate (1 John 2:1) offering you the gift of future eternal life and current freedom from your brokenness. However, God doesn’t tend to force His will on us but rather gives invitations and waits for our response. As stated earlier, Jesus once said,
“It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”
You, therefore, need to want and ask for his healing and guidance in order to receive it. As you pour out your weaknesses, fears, hurts and failures to him and you hear his loving voice counsel, instruct and comfort you, your heart will begin to receive healing it never knew was possible. Even if the hurt you’re feeling is distance from God cry out to Him, he can handle your emotion. As Psalm 51:17 (The Message) says,
“Going through the motions doesn’t please you, a flawless performance is nothing to you. I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered. Heart-shattered lives ready for love don’t for a moment escape God’s notice.”
- Confession to others
Finally, we must share our brokenness and failures with other human beings if we are to receive all the life and healing that is available for us. This is the step that people find the most difficult and what most of this blog post has been trying to speak into. As discussed above, we must have faith that failing at looking good and stopping the pretence that we’re “OK” will actually bring us closer to where we want to be. Laying down our pride is the hardest thing any person can do, but it is also the thing we must do to live a full, healthy and happy life. There are a few key reasons as to why this is such an important step:
1. Knowing we’re not alone
In my own walk one of the most powerful first steps to healing and freedom I have found is simply to know we’re not alone in our struggles. As we come to realise these are common human problems our hearts begin to feel rest. There is great power in finding out other Christians we love and respect have, or still do, struggle with similar sins to us. We realise that if God can love them with this in their life then He can love me too. This allows us to begin to have grace on ourselves. It also highlights our need for a saviour, Jesus, and leads us to lean on him more closely for our strength.
2. Knowing we’re loveable
Through confession to others our hearts will also come to understand that we are actually loveable even with all our failures laid bare. We will start to realise that our value is not in our performance as a Christian or human being but simply in who we are. As you grow more confident in this truth you won’t want to stop sharing! You will want to confess more hurts, shame and brokenness so that you can continue receiving grace and go on the journey to healing in all areas of your life.
A caveat to this stage, however, is that you must be wise on who you confess to. Preferably choose someone you consider to have fully embraced the love and grace of Jesus, so that you will be met by love and acceptance as you open up to them. For deeper issues, if you don’t feel comfortable initially talking to friends, your church’s pastoral team might be a good start.
3. Support and wisdom
As James, Jesus’ brother, said,
“Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” (James 5:16)
As you confess to wise friends or mentors whom you trust you will generally find people who have been on, are currently on, or want to go on a similar walk. There are some issues in life which will take time and wisdom to heal such as addictions or emotional and psychological trauma from past hurts. You won’t always find a quick fix but going on the journey with others and gaining wisdom and support from each other is the strongest source of strength for life transformation behind the grace and power of God.
4. Helping others on their journey
Finally, we arrive at one of the most treasured lessons God has taught me in the last few years, and one He is now calling me to share.
As we become vulnerable with others, we give them permission to become vulnerable with us.
In order to cultivate this honesty in the church we need to start valuing human lives more than human behaviour. Through the grace afforded by Jesus’ death and resurrection this is how God has treated us for the last 2,000 years. Looking past a person’s current moral state to their pure value as a human being made in His image and loving them for that. God says, “Leave me to judge the sins of men, on the final day I will bring justice” (Romans 12:19 – paraphrased). Until then, show endless love, grace and mercy. Forgive people their trespasses as He forgave you yours (Matthew 6:12). It is only this pure grace which will create the bride God wants and will glorify Him completely.True satisfaction
As we come to the close of this message I’d like to make an important clarification on this post. I have spoken lots of the benefits of vulnerability and its ability to transform our lives and I fully believe these to be true. However, they will not, in themselves, bring true satisfaction to your life.
True satisfaction only comes through deep, honest and intimate relationship with God. Never make this life or your relationship with God about performance it must always be first and foremost about relationship.
As one of my favourite Christian insights reads,
“It’s got to be more like falling in love than something to believe in. It’s got to be more like losing my heart than giving my allegiance.” (More Like Falling In Love – Jason Gray)
This post should not be read as just another way to become morally good so we can impress God or others. It should be read as an invitation to deep and honest relationship with a perfectly loving Father which, as a by-product, will result in godliness. Becoming good because we are loved and valued, not in order to be loved and valued.
Conclusion
I hope you can now see how our high value of looking godly can stop us from actually becoming godly; and how hiding our failures is keeping us from the healing and intimate relationships we desire. This was never God’s plan. The whole point of grace is that we would be set free from our failures so that we can find reconciliation. As Philip Yancey said in his book ‘Vanishing Grace’,
“Throughout the Bible, God shows a marked preference for ‘real’ people over ‘good’ people.”For the Church to flourish and be a true blessing to the rest of society, we need courageous men and women to put their hearts on the line and share their fears, their weaknesses, the times they’ve messed up and the things they regret. We need men and women who are willing to lay down their image and make themselves vulnerable for their sake and other’s. There may be times when people take advantage of this and hurt you, but far more often you will find people approach you with open arms and admiration for the courage you’ve shown.
It’s time to fail your way to success; to look bad so that you can become good; to risk rejection so the real you can become accepted.
Appendix – A Father’s Heart
One of the main barriers many people face in their relationship with God is trying to understand how their moral performance relates to their salvation and His love for them. This appendix is an additional piece to try and speak into this more and hopefully bring some clarity to those who need it.
-------------------------------------------------------
One of the main ways God describes the journey of a Christian in relation to Him is through ‘adoption’ as sons and daughters (Ephesians 1:5). To help you understand God’s heart for you better, imagine you are the most loving, selfless and rich person on the planet (go on, imagine it). Out of an overflow of love, grace and available resources you decide you will adopt any child who comes to you no matter what their background or behaviour. The only catch being, they all have a great debt over their head. However, because they are a human child who wants to join your family you pour out your love, mercy and grace on them and pay the debt to adopt them. This is akin to salvation. The child didn’t ‘earn’ their adoption. They had no ‘right’ to be adopted by you. It was nothing to do with their ‘behaviour’. This was simply an outpouring of your love, mercy and grace towards them.
Now, imagine all these children have bad behaviour patterns and psychology (this is all humans in relation to God). Some are worse than others, but in some way they all do things which damage themselves and those they are around. As a truly loving parent you will love all these children fully in spite of their behaviour. However, as you know that a continuance of this behaviour and psychology will harm the children and those they interact with you would never simply sit back and just ignore it. Out of love and a desire to see them flourish you would want to help them change and grow into a healthy adult.
1. The first is by simply living around this new family. By seeing how you all interact with each other and those outside the family they will vicariously start to learn how to treat other people. This is similar to reading the Bible and seeing how Jesus treated people, or living around mature Christians and seeing how they treat people.
2. The second is by experiencing the love, care and treatment of this family themselves. This will help their hearts feel secure, whole and loved. Particularly if their life before adoption was full of rejection, sadness and pain, the transformational effect of this love on their behaviour and psychology will be huge.
3. The third is through direct instruction. You, as a loving parent who wants your children to flourish, will set general rules for the whole house (similar to the commandments). Alongside this you will give other instructions, guidance and promptings throughout the child’s life to help them live in the best way possible (this is similar to the Holy Spirit’s role in our life (John 16:8)).
It’s important to consider what your response would be if a child breaks those rules, whether intentionally or not, in order to connect with God’s heart for us. As the child’s parent their misbehaving wouldn’t affect your love for them, you wouldn’t eject them from the family, instead you would continue to love, instruct and care for the child for the rest of their days. The child’s behaviour, even in relation to your own rules, does not affect your love for, or value of, them. Like any loving parent, God wants your heart more than your behaviour. The behaviour is for your benefit, your heart is for His.
This isn't a perfect description of the Christian's relationship to God and misses some important factors but I hope at the least it helps you better understand the role of sanctification and the place of moral behaviour in a Christian’s relationship to God. It is for the benefit of ourselves and those our lives may affect that we should chase God’s instructions and desire with all our hearts to become more like Him. Because through it we will be truly blessed (Psalm 1). If we are failing in one or multiple areas, however, that doesn’t make us any less loved or valued by God. This means we should always feel able to be completely honest about our failures so that we can gain help to overcome them and become the person our loving Father tells us will be best.
