Becoming Me

“You’re great, one of the most amazing people I know, but there’s just no spark.”

Sharing those words is difficult even now. For me they represented the ultimate weakness…

…rejection.

Not just rejection from a relational sense, but judgement on the core of who I was.

These were the words I was told at the end of a relationship a few years ago. I was devastated. For the next 8 weeks I found myself in the only prolonged period of depression I can remember experiencing. I would call my mum every morning and every evening on the bus to and from work to try and take my mind off the pain, or just cry. Every evening after work I would just lie on my bed for hours with worship music on and talk to God about the pain. I struggled to focus at work, occasionally crying there too. Even when my mind could get distracted, I had a massive knot in my stomach 24/7 that, without getting graphic, was literally affecting my digestive system.

I had always considered myself to be a ‘strong’ person emotionally and psychologically. I just didn't understand why this was hitting me so hard. It wasn't the first break-up I’d been through, and my previous long-term relationship had far more potential, yet I managed to get over it fine.

After 8 long weeks of mental struggle God showed me the answer, the missing ingredient to the puzzle. The problem wasn't so much the break-up as the ‘reason’ for the break-up…there’s just no spark.

The girl in question was incredibly spontaneous, playful and energetic, so when she said there wasn't a spark, to me that meant one thing…you're not fun enough. I don't actually know if that's what those words meant to her, it doesn't really matter, what this experience did was made me conscious that I had a massive sense of insecurity around being fun, entertaining and pleasurable to be around. Suddenly the length and depth of the struggle all made sense. This break-up felt like a confirmation of my worst fear, that I wasn't fun enough for anyone to really want to be my friend, let alone my partner.


As I reflected back through my history I realised that this had plagued me my whole life. It had never been particularly conscious, and I'd certainly never had a breakdown over it before, but there it had been, niggling away in the background. I thought back to little Rowan at primary school, slightly bigger Rowan at college and very big Rowan at University, always part of a great group of friends, and yet, often feeling like an imposter. The undertone could be verbalised as, “Well it makes sense they're okay with me in the friendship group as I'm good at sports, academics, computer games etc. but there's no way they just like me."

Things would kind of be fine as long the mask was alive and well. The problems would occur as soon as I didn't perform well, or someone was better than me, I would feel hugely insecure; my reputation was on the line and that was the only thing making me likeable (my perfectionist tendencies suddenly made a lot more sense). It meant that I felt really insecure around people with big characters, people who were loud, funny and massively extroverted as they were all that I felt like a failure in. It meant I’d be really distraught if I didn't get the grades I wanted, received negative feedback at work or performed badly in some other arena.

It caused extreme under confidence when thinking about relationships with girls. I'd tell myself, “I might be able to fool them enough to enter the relationship because of my abilities or reputation, but as soon as they got to know me they'd just get bored”. So I used to just save them the time by withdrawing from anyone who showed an interest or I was interested in.

With friends it had caused me to often get lost in my own world. When we would hang out I'd be wondering what they were thinking, whether they were really enjoying their time with me or if they were actually bored but too polite to say it. Because of this I would often not say what I was thinking, not let myself be silly, or not joke with them in case they took it the wrong way and thought less of me. In my mind I had to do everything I could to hold onto whatever reputation I'd managed to create, play it safe, and make sure never to let the mask drop.

On top of this, I realised certain beliefs had made the situation a whole lot worse. As a Christian I can't help but hope that all people will one day find the freedom and life that I have found in Jesus. This desire in and of itself comes from a good place; however, it had actually been exacerbating the distress I had been feeling around my identity. My logic went something like this:

1. I'd love these people to come to know Jesus so they can have both eternal life and richer life now.

2. I have a responsibility to try and help them on that journey.

3. To be able to influence them positively they need to like me.

While there is actually truth in each of those statements the way this played out in my brain was, “If that person doesn't like me, they won't listen to me or want to know more about Jesus, and therefore it's my fault they won’t get to know Jesus and therefore find eternal life and more life now.”

Well, for someone who already struggled with low self-esteem, you can only imagine the pressure that had been adding to social dynamics. It meant that whenever I struggled with small talk or someone didn't seem to want to be my best friend or laugh at my joke or chose to hang with other people over me, I felt not only rejected, but also like I'd failed them and God.

Pretty heavy, huh?

Well, that’s the end of the story, I hope you feel encouraged!

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Don’t be silly, of course it’s not.

As hard as it was to realise all of that, thankfully God didn't leave me there.

Firstly, He gave me a deep sense of compassion for my younger self. As I imagined past Rowan in all these situations my heart literally ached over the insecurity he was feeling and I actually started to feel quite self-protective. Secondly, God gave me the words that would change my life:

“I need you to be you.”

“I made you the way you are, both the things you like about yourself and the things you don't. Your introversion, your logical mind, your dislike of small talk and love of deep conversation, your bad 'dad humour', your love of psychology and theology, your lack of interest in pop culture, your loyalty, your gentleness and everything else.

“I made you this way for a reason, so I don’t just need you to be you, I need you to be the most 'you' you can be. I want you to go on a journey for the rest of your life of becoming more you. I want you to do this because I have made you to do things and reach people that only you can do and reach. If you're constantly trying to be someone else to make people like you then you'll miss those things I've made you to do and those people I've made you to reach.

“Not everyone will like you and I don't need them to.”

“There are 7 billion people on this planet, each with different backgrounds, interests and personalities, there is no possible way that every one of those people will like you. Do your best to love everyone, but if some people don't click with you that's okay. If they don't care much what you have to say and don't get to know Me through you that is also fine. There are over 2 billion Christians on the planet, if I want to reach them I have plenty of people I can send who will click with them more naturally than you. You just be you so that you don't miss those I've made you to connect with.”

The freedom I felt in that moment is hard to describe. 25 years of struggle, wrestling and dissatisfaction with who I was, finished. In a strange way I felt vindicated. Vindicated by God himself that not only am I acceptable, not only am I valuable, but actually I'm a force to be reckoned with! God didn't just say, "Be you but be quiet about it because it’s not worth shouting about", He said, "If you can discover all that I've made you to be and the things I've made you to do you will change the world."

Since that moment 3 years ago I've been on the most incredible journey. It hasn't all been easy and it certainly hasn't been quick, but man, has it been worth it!

So what has it looked like?

It's looked like lots of small discoveries and lots of small decisions to 'become me'. It has looked like listening to God, listening to others and listening to myself to determine who 'me' is. It has often meant going against male stereotypes, against British stereotypes, against culture and certainly against my own comfort zone. It's looked like constantly choosing to believe in what God spoke over me, that I will find more life, fulfilment and purpose as I choose to be who He has made me to be over and above trying to impress others.

It's looked like being more affectionate in my actions and language with my friends to show them how much I love them. It's looked like engaging more with my emotions because they allow me to live life in full colour. It's looked like finding ways to appreciate and share beauty because it inspires my soul and shares something of God. It's looked like embracing intimacy in friendships because God has made me to have deep relationships. It's looked like speaking highly of, and celebrating myself because I am designed by God. It's looked like changing teams at work from something I was skilled in to something I knew nothing about because it felt more in line with my passions and calling from God.

It's looked like choosing to join the Christmas choir because I enjoy singing. It's looked like choosing to dance flamboyantly in clubs, in homes and in the streets because the world is a better place with my shapes in it. It's looked like being silly and laughing with friends because I enjoy being playful. It's looked like telling terrible dad jokes and far too many puns because someone has to. It's looked like speaking more honestly about my faith because it affects every moment of my life. It's looked like helping run and now lead an addiction recovery course because I wanted to help people find the freedom I felt when I got rid of pornography and masturbation from my life. It's looked like writing extremely vulnerable blog posts because if I've thought it or experienced it, others probably have too.

And it's looked like so much more than this…

There are a hundred more things I could add to that list which have characterised this journey in just 3 short years. I also feel I have to mention that it has often looked like embarrassment, discomfort, misunderstanding, rejection and feeling very exposed. This journey isn't always easy. It takes a deep faith in God's words that all of who you are is valuable and worthy of being brought into the light. That the world will be a better place for it.


As I reflect back now I am overwhelmingly thankful to God for taking me on this journey. He has been faithful in all He promised…by becoming courageously 'me', I am happier, more content and more fulfilled than I've ever been in my life. I feel more purpose, more confidence and more excitement for the future than ever before. My friendships have grown in number but more importantly in depth, intimacy and life in ways I could never have imagined. My life has flourished at work, in Church and all other arenas I've chosen to enter.

There are lots of things in life we can't control. There are lots of circumstances that may be just around the corner for me that will be really difficult…and that's okay. All God has asked me to do is to be me in the midst of it all, as by that, even in my suffering, I will be sure that I am playing my part in His bigger story, and that is what brings purpose to it all.





So what about you? Who are you? Who has God made you to be? What has God made you to do? Are you living that out or are you hiding yourself behind a mask? Behind culture? Behind what you want your friends to think?

Many of you are probably thinking ‘but I don't even know who ‘I’ am’ and the reason I know that is because I felt exactly the same. Just because God asked me to ‘become me’ didn't mean I knew what that was. This is a journey of 'discovery' far more than 'recovery'. It's a journey of self-reflection, of fumbling through, of trial and error. Be open to what you find and carry with you as much self-compassion as you can. Always keep your ears open to God's 'still, small voice'. Who I am now is only the start of the journey. I'm so excited to carry on discovering more of who I am and the plans God has made me for throughout the rest of my life and sharing that with the world with as much integrity and love as I can muster!

I want to encourage you that God has this journey for each of you too.

There is a purpose and a beauty that only you can bring to this earth and if you are not being fully you, then there are aspects of that purpose and that beauty that the world and eternity will never get the privilege to see.

So here is my challenge then…

Become 'you', the world and eternity depend on it.

'"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."'

Jeremiah 29:11

'For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.'

Ephesians 2:10

'For the glory of God is the living man, and the life of man is the vision of God.'

Saint Irenaeus

A Bridge Called, ‘Love’

“Also, we decided to give this name to the bridge, ‘Love’. You have come from very far away, but love is here.”

The power of his words washed over us like a tidal wave. All we could do to respond was make a few noises of appreciation or simply sit silent, with lumps in our throats and tears in our eyes. Here we were, 5,000 miles away from home, sat on the floor of a wooden hut, in a remote village in the mountains of Myanmar, needing two translations before his words made English, and suddenly, we were connected at the deepest level.

I wondered how I had become so privileged as to be in that position. I can honestly say part of me felt unworthy to hear his words...but then love is always a gift isn’t it? Bestowed on the receiver by grace alone, to be received with grateful humility. Yet I had to reflect on all the experiences which had led us to that point. How was it that an accountant, a consultant, a banker and 2 fundraisers from London could find themselves so deeply connected to the people of a remote, undeveloped village in Myanmar who they’d never met before?


Back to where it all began

For me at least it started with the offer of…pizza.

3 years prior to this touching moment of cross-cultural connection I was invited to come and hear about a new initiative being started by Tearfund to help young people engage with their giving. I’d like to believe the thought of meaningful giving was my main motivator for attending, but the fact that copious amounts of pizza would be present certainly helped.

This initiative, now known as ‘Impact:Life’, was an attempt by Tearfund fundraiser, Nicky Crampton, to encourage young people in their generosity by providing them a way to meaningfully engage with their giving while also making new friends. Needless to say I was sold, and by the end of the night 8 of us had decided to sign up. After a lengthy debate this new group of young Christian professionals who mostly didn’t know each other chose to support some of Tearfund’s work with remote undeveloped villages in Myanmar. This support was to be not just financial but also prayerful, and not just of those in Myanmar but also of each other as we embarked on this new journey of generosity, connection with people half way across the world and connection with each other.

A tale of four bridges

A bridge between supporters

The next three years leading to our trip to Myanmar was by no means an epic tale of heroism or extraordinary feats. It has simply been a tale of ordinary people, making small decisions to move towards generosity, connection and pizza (okay, other food has been involved too). Over the 3 years we often stayed still or went backwards and, at risk of speaking for others, we often didn’t feel generous, connected or loving. Yet, whenever we managed to wake from the distraction of our everyday lives we would make another small decision to press in, say a little prayer, send a message or arrange to meet up and most importantly, to keep on keeping on. It feels anticlimactic but it really is 3 years of this which resulted in those moments of connection we got to experience in Myanmar.

As a group we span a range of companies, industries, churches and ethnicities but have been connected by our common commitment to support a group of people we’ve never met. We have not only prayed and given together, we have also shared meals, birthdays and more laughs than I could possibly remember. We have supported each other through illness, celebrated births and encouraged each other through big career decisions. It has been the most incredible blessing in my life. Nicky’s dream of connected, engaged and prayerful giving has certainly come true.

As part of the Impact:Life programme it was always the dream that one day we would be able to visit the villages we had been supporting, meet the people and see the impact first hand. Unfortunately, due to a range of life circumstances, only 3 of our group (myself, Annie and Sarge) were able to go along with Nicky and Amy (who now heads up Impact:Life), though the rest of the group (Anugrah, Ben, Josh, Lucy, Robyn and Zhen) were with us in spirit and prayer every step of the way.


A bridge between supporter and worker

Having left my house at 3pm on Saturday the 13th of January we finally arrived in Yangon (Myanmar’s capital) at 4:30pm, Sunday. We were immediately to begin to realise how deeply connected we were to those we had been praying for but had never met.

As we queued to go through border control we saw a man through a glass wall jumping and waving with a big smile on his face. I was soon to find out that this man was S’Lont Mun, the Tearfund lead for our project in Myanmar and the main person we had been praying for over the last few years. We immediately felt a strong connection with him, like seeing an old friend, only this was the first time we had actually met. This was the tale time and again throughout our trip.

Like many others we met over the next 9 days we were all to fall in love with this man. The love and hospitality he showed us from the moment we arrived was beyond anything I’ve experienced. Prior to our arrival he had ensured to get pictures of us and learn each of our names so he could properly greet us as we arrived. For the 9 days we were there he dropped everything to look after us including time with his family, his work (occasionally working until midnight to catch up after spending the day with us) and his energy. He translated countless conversations, had bamboo mugs made for us and got our names engraved on them, and whenever we said we liked something in a village he endeavoured to obtain it for us (examples include a bag of fresh walnuts each, another bamboo mug, extra blankets for the cold nights and the list goes on).

Beyond his incredible love, faith and hospitality this man is also incredibly gifted. He is fluent in English and, having started out studying Veterinary Science at university for 6 years, he has since also completed university courses in Theology, Social Development, Human Resource Development and Conflict Transformation and Peace Building. Having worked as a dishwasher, dress maker, waiter, porter, street vendor, veterinarian and bus driver he has spent the last dozen years in development work due his great love for and desire to help people.


Needless to say I love this man and could write a whole post on him alone, but the love we received in Myanmar by no means stopped with him.

As we trekked from village to village in the mountainous northern region of Myanmar, a group of World Concern staff (who partner with Tearfund on these projects) looked after us every step of the way. They drove us, guided us, fed us, translated for us, prayed for us, sang with us and carried our things when we were struggling on the treks. The deep love and respect we formed for each other despite language and cultural barriers was incredibly moving and this culminated in one of the most powerful moments of my life.

As we trekked back from the villages at the end of our time with the World Concern staff we stopped atop one of the mountains and prayed for each other. After this time of prayer and sharing gratitudes we decided to sing ‘Amazing Grace’ together, them in Burmese and us in English. It was a time of unparalleled beauty and unity. As we looked out over the mountains and our languages mixed to the centuries old melody, which speaks of undeserved connection by the power of grace, you couldn’t help but be awestruck at the wonder of it all.

A bridge between supporter and receiver

Then there is the tale of our time in the villages themselves. The scenery across the 4 days of trekking was breath-taking, but for the people of these villages their remoteness is definitely a burden rather than a blessing. They are around 30 miles from the nearest town (Putao) with paths through the mountains only a metre or two wide for 15 miles. As if the distance wasn’t enough of a hurdle, in the rainy season the villages are inaccessible from the town due to a lack of adequate bridges where the river crosses their path at various points.

Each village we visited said the roads and bridges were their main challenges as a community as it affected their ability to buy essential goods, trade, receive healthcare and for their children to receive higher levels of education. Though it should be noted that the reason travel is their main challenge now is due to the amazing work they have done with Tearfund to improve their health, financial and relational situations already. For example, the villages (who are about 150-200 people in size) used to consistently have 5-10 children each year die of malaria or diarrhoea, but due to the health education they have received through the project none of them have had any deaths due to these diseases in the last 10 years!

The villages themselves were very basic, comprising wooden houses on stilts, little or no electricity and little or no running water. Most households tried to sustain themselves by cultivating the land to grow vegetables and rice and keep chickens and pigs. In some villages the men would also have to leave for days at a time into the jungle to try and find medicinal roots they could sell in the town.

And yet, despite these seemingly difficult circumstances, there was an irrepressible sense of community, dignity and hope. These villages may have been poor in material goods but they certainly weren’t poor in spirit and the desire to create a better life for themselves and their children was powerful.

Most touching, however, was the love and care we received from everyone we met. At almost every village we were welcomed by a line of villagers waiting to shake our hands and welcome us in. We were put up in the best room of the best house of each village. We were provided with endless amounts of their best food at each meal time. I think we may have had half the villages’ blankets some nights as we had barely slept due to the cold (and cockerels) on the first night. Many of the villagers gave up their time to meet and speak with us in the evenings, to share their stories of transformation, to express their gratitude and to learn about us.

Despite living thousands of miles apart, multiple language barriers and cavernous cultural disparities prayer, faith and love connected us at every step. Those 3 years of fumbling but consistent prayer, engagement and generosity had left us connected with these people in ways we’ll probably never be able to comprehend.


The true bridge called ‘Love’

As a condition of taking the trip, Tearfund challenged us to raise £2,000 as a group to buy essential metal cabling for a new suspension bridge the people of Hkalang village are planning to build. This future bridge is the one which the people of Hkalang have christened, 'Love'. It will allow them to get cattle and motorbikes across the river (as well as to save the large amount of time they currently have to spend on repairing and rebuilding their current hazardous bridge).

To these people the bridges are literally a lifeline, connecting them to resources, healthcare, trade and education. We saw a recently built upgraded bridge by a nearby village and the difference it makes is amazing. We are currently at £1,203 for our fundraising due to the incredible generosity of our colleagues and friends. If any of you are reading this I’d just like to take the time to say thank you again. It is also your small decisions to press in to love and generosity towards people you’ll never meet which created the bond we got to experience and will transform the lives of this community.

For those who haven’t had the chance to contribute yet. If you would also like to help us get closer to our target so the people of Hkalang village can build a better life for themselves and their children then you can follow the link here: Just Giving fundraising page for Myanmar bridge called 'Love'

As I reflect on the importance of these bridges as a source of connection and hope to these people I can’t help but be reminded of the true bridge who is called ‘Love’. We live in a world of broken relationships, war, trafficking and loneliness. We also live in a world where we are extremely disconnected from a God who wants to rescue and love us, but unfortunately we could never live in a way that would earn enough to pay for the bridge to get back to Him. Thankfully, Jesus has already donated his life in order to build that bridge and all are welcome to cross. And, as we so clearly saw throughout our time in Myanmar, this bridge also provides a way for deep connection and love to join people who have the world between them.

“Also, we decided to give this name to the bridge, ‘Love’. You have come from very far away, but love is here.” (Man from Hkalang village, Myanmar)

“By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you love one another” (Jesus in John 13:35)

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16)







And that's the end of the road. Thank you for reading.