Becoming Me

“You’re great, one of the most amazing people I know, but there’s just no spark.”

Sharing those words is difficult even now. For me they represented the ultimate weakness…

…rejection.

Not just rejection from a relational sense, but judgement on the core of who I was.

These were the words I was told at the end of a relationship a few years ago. I was devastated. For the next 8 weeks I found myself in the only prolonged period of depression I can remember experiencing. I would call my mum every morning and every evening on the bus to and from work to try and take my mind off the pain, or just cry. Every evening after work I would just lie on my bed for hours with worship music on and talk to God about the pain. I struggled to focus at work, occasionally crying there too. Even when my mind could get distracted, I had a massive knot in my stomach 24/7 that, without getting graphic, was literally affecting my digestive system.

I had always considered myself to be a ‘strong’ person emotionally and psychologically. I just didn't understand why this was hitting me so hard. It wasn't the first break-up I’d been through, and my previous long-term relationship had far more potential, yet I managed to get over it fine.

After 8 long weeks of mental struggle God showed me the answer, the missing ingredient to the puzzle. The problem wasn't so much the break-up as the ‘reason’ for the break-up…there’s just no spark.

The girl in question was incredibly spontaneous, playful and energetic, so when she said there wasn't a spark, to me that meant one thing…you're not fun enough. I don't actually know if that's what those words meant to her, it doesn't really matter, what this experience did was made me conscious that I had a massive sense of insecurity around being fun, entertaining and pleasurable to be around. Suddenly the length and depth of the struggle all made sense. This break-up felt like a confirmation of my worst fear, that I wasn't fun enough for anyone to really want to be my friend, let alone my partner.


As I reflected back through my history I realised that this had plagued me my whole life. It had never been particularly conscious, and I'd certainly never had a breakdown over it before, but there it had been, niggling away in the background. I thought back to little Rowan at primary school, slightly bigger Rowan at college and very big Rowan at University, always part of a great group of friends, and yet, often feeling like an imposter. The undertone could be verbalised as, “Well it makes sense they're okay with me in the friendship group as I'm good at sports, academics, computer games etc. but there's no way they just like me."

Things would kind of be fine as long the mask was alive and well. The problems would occur as soon as I didn't perform well, or someone was better than me, I would feel hugely insecure; my reputation was on the line and that was the only thing making me likeable (my perfectionist tendencies suddenly made a lot more sense). It meant that I felt really insecure around people with big characters, people who were loud, funny and massively extroverted as they were all that I felt like a failure in. It meant I’d be really distraught if I didn't get the grades I wanted, received negative feedback at work or performed badly in some other arena.

It caused extreme under confidence when thinking about relationships with girls. I'd tell myself, “I might be able to fool them enough to enter the relationship because of my abilities or reputation, but as soon as they got to know me they'd just get bored”. So I used to just save them the time by withdrawing from anyone who showed an interest or I was interested in.

With friends it had caused me to often get lost in my own world. When we would hang out I'd be wondering what they were thinking, whether they were really enjoying their time with me or if they were actually bored but too polite to say it. Because of this I would often not say what I was thinking, not let myself be silly, or not joke with them in case they took it the wrong way and thought less of me. In my mind I had to do everything I could to hold onto whatever reputation I'd managed to create, play it safe, and make sure never to let the mask drop.

On top of this, I realised certain beliefs had made the situation a whole lot worse. As a Christian I can't help but hope that all people will one day find the freedom and life that I have found in Jesus. This desire in and of itself comes from a good place; however, it had actually been exacerbating the distress I had been feeling around my identity. My logic went something like this:

1. I'd love these people to come to know Jesus so they can have both eternal life and richer life now.

2. I have a responsibility to try and help them on that journey.

3. To be able to influence them positively they need to like me.

While there is actually truth in each of those statements the way this played out in my brain was, “If that person doesn't like me, they won't listen to me or want to know more about Jesus, and therefore it's my fault they won’t get to know Jesus and therefore find eternal life and more life now.”

Well, for someone who already struggled with low self-esteem, you can only imagine the pressure that had been adding to social dynamics. It meant that whenever I struggled with small talk or someone didn't seem to want to be my best friend or laugh at my joke or chose to hang with other people over me, I felt not only rejected, but also like I'd failed them and God.

Pretty heavy, huh?

Well, that’s the end of the story, I hope you feel encouraged!

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Don’t be silly, of course it’s not.

As hard as it was to realise all of that, thankfully God didn't leave me there.

Firstly, He gave me a deep sense of compassion for my younger self. As I imagined past Rowan in all these situations my heart literally ached over the insecurity he was feeling and I actually started to feel quite self-protective. Secondly, God gave me the words that would change my life:

“I need you to be you.”

“I made you the way you are, both the things you like about yourself and the things you don't. Your introversion, your logical mind, your dislike of small talk and love of deep conversation, your bad 'dad humour', your love of psychology and theology, your lack of interest in pop culture, your loyalty, your gentleness and everything else.

“I made you this way for a reason, so I don’t just need you to be you, I need you to be the most 'you' you can be. I want you to go on a journey for the rest of your life of becoming more you. I want you to do this because I have made you to do things and reach people that only you can do and reach. If you're constantly trying to be someone else to make people like you then you'll miss those things I've made you to do and those people I've made you to reach.

“Not everyone will like you and I don't need them to.”

“There are 7 billion people on this planet, each with different backgrounds, interests and personalities, there is no possible way that every one of those people will like you. Do your best to love everyone, but if some people don't click with you that's okay. If they don't care much what you have to say and don't get to know Me through you that is also fine. There are over 2 billion Christians on the planet, if I want to reach them I have plenty of people I can send who will click with them more naturally than you. You just be you so that you don't miss those I've made you to connect with.”

The freedom I felt in that moment is hard to describe. 25 years of struggle, wrestling and dissatisfaction with who I was, finished. In a strange way I felt vindicated. Vindicated by God himself that not only am I acceptable, not only am I valuable, but actually I'm a force to be reckoned with! God didn't just say, "Be you but be quiet about it because it’s not worth shouting about", He said, "If you can discover all that I've made you to be and the things I've made you to do you will change the world."

Since that moment 3 years ago I've been on the most incredible journey. It hasn't all been easy and it certainly hasn't been quick, but man, has it been worth it!

So what has it looked like?

It's looked like lots of small discoveries and lots of small decisions to 'become me'. It has looked like listening to God, listening to others and listening to myself to determine who 'me' is. It has often meant going against male stereotypes, against British stereotypes, against culture and certainly against my own comfort zone. It's looked like constantly choosing to believe in what God spoke over me, that I will find more life, fulfilment and purpose as I choose to be who He has made me to be over and above trying to impress others.

It's looked like being more affectionate in my actions and language with my friends to show them how much I love them. It's looked like engaging more with my emotions because they allow me to live life in full colour. It's looked like finding ways to appreciate and share beauty because it inspires my soul and shares something of God. It's looked like embracing intimacy in friendships because God has made me to have deep relationships. It's looked like speaking highly of, and celebrating myself because I am designed by God. It's looked like changing teams at work from something I was skilled in to something I knew nothing about because it felt more in line with my passions and calling from God.

It's looked like choosing to join the Christmas choir because I enjoy singing. It's looked like choosing to dance flamboyantly in clubs, in homes and in the streets because the world is a better place with my shapes in it. It's looked like being silly and laughing with friends because I enjoy being playful. It's looked like telling terrible dad jokes and far too many puns because someone has to. It's looked like speaking more honestly about my faith because it affects every moment of my life. It's looked like helping run and now lead an addiction recovery course because I wanted to help people find the freedom I felt when I got rid of pornography and masturbation from my life. It's looked like writing extremely vulnerable blog posts because if I've thought it or experienced it, others probably have too.

And it's looked like so much more than this…

There are a hundred more things I could add to that list which have characterised this journey in just 3 short years. I also feel I have to mention that it has often looked like embarrassment, discomfort, misunderstanding, rejection and feeling very exposed. This journey isn't always easy. It takes a deep faith in God's words that all of who you are is valuable and worthy of being brought into the light. That the world will be a better place for it.


As I reflect back now I am overwhelmingly thankful to God for taking me on this journey. He has been faithful in all He promised…by becoming courageously 'me', I am happier, more content and more fulfilled than I've ever been in my life. I feel more purpose, more confidence and more excitement for the future than ever before. My friendships have grown in number but more importantly in depth, intimacy and life in ways I could never have imagined. My life has flourished at work, in Church and all other arenas I've chosen to enter.

There are lots of things in life we can't control. There are lots of circumstances that may be just around the corner for me that will be really difficult…and that's okay. All God has asked me to do is to be me in the midst of it all, as by that, even in my suffering, I will be sure that I am playing my part in His bigger story, and that is what brings purpose to it all.





So what about you? Who are you? Who has God made you to be? What has God made you to do? Are you living that out or are you hiding yourself behind a mask? Behind culture? Behind what you want your friends to think?

Many of you are probably thinking ‘but I don't even know who ‘I’ am’ and the reason I know that is because I felt exactly the same. Just because God asked me to ‘become me’ didn't mean I knew what that was. This is a journey of 'discovery' far more than 'recovery'. It's a journey of self-reflection, of fumbling through, of trial and error. Be open to what you find and carry with you as much self-compassion as you can. Always keep your ears open to God's 'still, small voice'. Who I am now is only the start of the journey. I'm so excited to carry on discovering more of who I am and the plans God has made me for throughout the rest of my life and sharing that with the world with as much integrity and love as I can muster!

I want to encourage you that God has this journey for each of you too.

There is a purpose and a beauty that only you can bring to this earth and if you are not being fully you, then there are aspects of that purpose and that beauty that the world and eternity will never get the privilege to see.

So here is my challenge then…

Become 'you', the world and eternity depend on it.

'"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."'

Jeremiah 29:11

'For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.'

Ephesians 2:10

'For the glory of God is the living man, and the life of man is the vision of God.'

Saint Irenaeus